Relating

Pointing Fingers

2011-10-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

As graduation draws near I’m starting to think about my future as a counselor. Will I find a job? Will I have a specific population I work with? Who will counsel me when I eventually go crazy? (some may argue I’ve already gone)

The reason I wanted to become a counselor is I love helping people. It’s my passion. The intense feeling I’ve had working during my counseling internship can’t be compared. I also love the idea of relationships. I consider myself a student of the way people relate. It’s interesting how we relate to others, how we relate to ourselves, and with God. I’ve heard it said that life’s greatest joys and deepest wounds are relational in nature. I said that I love the idea of relationships; that’s because it’s often in the execution of a relationship when things start to get rocky.

Two people working to become one, it ain’t easy. It’s one of the hardest things in life because it requires constant work. It’s not something you can just create and never work on it again. When two individuals decide they want to be together they bring with them two different ways of doing life, two different strengths, two different sets of weaknesses, two different pasts. So of course there will be a lot of difficulty.

I’m no expert in relationships by any means. (ask my girlfriend) I fail a lot. But one thing I have learned and try to do is to constantly ask myself is how can I serve her better. I think we as humans have a tendency to easily point out the faults of others. In relationships, it’s easy to criticize your partner. It’s harder to look at yourself and ask how you can serve them better. But if BOTH people in the relationship are asking the question to themselves instead of pointing fingers at each other things would run a lot smoother. Of course you will have disagreements. Those are meant to happen. It’s when we start being critical of each other when everything starts to crumble.

We are made for relationships and I hope you are blessed in each of yours.

What My Lil Sister Taught Me

2010-09-09T15:03:00.001-07:00

A few days ago I found my self kneeling down in front of the girl’s dorm at the orphanage in Mexico with a 10 year old girl squeezing me as tight as she could. Her tears flowed down her cheek and I could feel them dropping onto my shoulder. It would be a lie to say that I did not shed a tear in that moment. Her sadness was my sadness.
Kimberly has a special place in my heart. I just met her in March of this year but I already consider her my little sister. I don’t remember the exact moment we met, but that really doesn’t matter. I can still hear her laugh at me/with me. She’s kind of silly like me; I guess that’s why we connected. When we said goodbye in March, she cried as well. I think her tears brought my tears then too. I gave her a gift then, a simple bandana. But it was my bandana though. When I came back to the orphanage last week, one of the first things she said to me was “I still have your bandana that you gave me in March.” (But of course, the words she spoke were in Spanish.)
So we spent Labor Day weekend together. Laughing. Playing. Doing normal kids stuff; which is great because I am really just a big kid at heart. And then Sunday came; the day before my group left. On Monday we would be gone before the kids were up and off to school, so Sunday was our last day to see them. That Sunday afternoon during playtime, all was going fine. But then about halfway through playtime she just shut down. She sat on the concrete bench and would not talk to me or look me in the face. I didn’t know what was wrong; I could only assume. “Are you okay,” I asked in my broken Spanish. No answer. She just sat and hung her head looking toward the ground.
Later on when we went to tell the children goodbye, I knew immediately what was wrong. I said my goodbyes and see-you-laters to the other girls her age and somehow managed my way toward her. I knew that if she started crying, I would probably join her. As she sat there with her head still hanging, I knelt down beside her and said, “Kimberly, hasta luego mi hermana.” And then she gave me the biggest hug I have here had. She cried, and then I cried. Then, all of the other girls her age surrounded us and gave us a group hug. I laughed then. I gave her a present. Nothing big. Just a pencil pouch and some colored pencils I had bought a few hours before; both wrapped in a black bandana. Then her and I took a picture and you can tell both of our eyes are a little red.
Kimberly wasn’t ashamed to say, “Matt, I am going to miss you. I am sad because you are leaving.” Sure she hung her head, but not because she was hiding. She was simply upset. Kids are good at letting you know how they feel. Maybe that’s a little of what Jesus meant when he said that we need to become like little children to enter the Kingdom of God. Maybe Jesus thinks it’s important to let those people around us know how important they are to us. He did say that next to loving God, loving others is the most important part of life. And just like children do, if we love the people around us we shouldn’t hide it. If we care about people, they should know. If we miss someone, it’s important to tell them that we care. I know many times I try to build my own walls to protect me from others (such an adult thing to do), but the other day in Mexico when I said goodbye to Kimberly…she had no walls. I knew that she cared for me. And for some reason that moment filled with tears and goodbyes helped me understand a little more about the person God wants me to be-a person that lets the people around him know how important and loved they are.

Writing Stories

2010-08-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have always loved a good story. I guess that’s why I like to read and watch movies. I remember writing my own stories in elementary school. I would always write my friends’ names into the stories that way when I read it aloud in class, they would be more interested. What kid doesn’t like to hear that they are on an adventure in a haunted house?

I don’t think of myself as some grand writer that can touch the depths of the human soul through the words that he writes down. I have terrible grammar sometimes. I blame that on being raised in the south. But I do like to write stories. Some are true, and some are mostly true. But they all are from some life experience I have learned.

Why is that some stories speak to us? Two of my favorite films make me cry every time I see them. (Yes, I shed the occasional tear. I consider myself manly enough to know that sometimes tears are perfectly okay.) First, there’s A Time to Kill with Samuel L. and Matthew McConaughey. When Samuel goes out to hug his daughter after his trail…well it gets me every time. The second movie is the Pursuit if Happyness with Will Smith. Will’s had all of these hard times and then at the end he finds out he got the job. He knows at that moment that everything would be okay for himself and his son. I cry there too. (Just realized that these two movies revolve around fathers. Guess I have father issues. Funny.)

I hope you have seen those two films; if not go right now.

We all have our own stories of life that we are living in. If I had to guess I would say that there are themes that are similar in all of our stories. We all know pain. There have been heart-breaking moments that have brought us to our knees. We all have also made mistakes in the past that we regret. I have had so many times that I have messed up, I lost count years ago. If we are truthful, I bet we all have lived some moments of our lives in fear. There’s the fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of being laughed at, fear of the future, and I could go on.

But the great thing about our stories is they’re not written in stone. Our future in our story can change. Why? Because our God is a god that loves His children. That’s one of the most important things you can ever learn: that God loves you just as you are right now. And because His love is the greatest story ever told, then He has the ability to transform every story ever told. Because of His love for us, we no longer have to live stories of hurt, or guilt, or fear. Because of His love for us, we can live stories of love, of redemption, of courage. I’m not saying that with God everything in life is perfect with sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. What I am saying is that He has a way of changing the way we see things when we just simply put our trust in Him, even the way we see our own stories.

Learning from a Lady of the Night

2010-03-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

The other week I was sitting in a church service in Mexico. The speaker was Brother Franco. If you know Brother Franco you know that (A) he speaks in Spanish and (B) he is long winded. So needless to say he couldn’t keep my attention. I know I would only understand about one in every 30 words if I did pay attention. Maybe 1 in every 27. Maybe.

To kill the time I opened up the ole Bible and started reading. I read the story of Hosea and his wife Gomer. It’s found in the book of Hosea, if you didn’t know. To me it’s one of the best stories of forgiveness and it also involves a woman of ill repute. It starts out with Hosea, just a man trying to follow God. God tells Hosea to marry Gomer. Gomer didn’t have the best reputation in town. You see, Gomer was what we would call a hooker, a lady of the night, prostitute, trick-turner. Get it? But despite her past and her reputation, God still wanted Hosea to do this.

I have no idea what Hosea must have been thinking. Was he worried that his own name would be ruined? What would everyone else think of him? It’d be like God telling Rick Warren to marry a stripper. Imagine how many Christians would shun Rick. I know one thing though; I bet Hosea was a little intimidated on their wedding night. You ever been around someone who was a pro at something and you’re just no where near their level? A bit of overwhelming, I guess.

Fast forward. Gomer gets pregnant. God had told Hosea that some of Gomer’s children wouldn’t be his. Boy, I bet that feeling had to suck. They really didn’t have the Maury Povich show back then so there was no way of telling who the baby’s daddy was. But God wanted Hosea to stay committed to his family despite the extracurricular activities his wife had. Later it mentions something about Gomer no longer belonging to Hosea. I really don’t know how that happened. God then tells Hosea to buy her back. And Hosea did.

This whole story is meant to be an illustration of God’s love for His people. I am Gomer in this story and God is Hosea. I have put many things in front of my relationship with God. I have cheated on Him. I have been like the prostitute Gomer many times in my life; selling my devotion to things that in the end don’t matter. I bet you have too. We’ve all wandered before. But yet He is still there. He still wants a relationship with us. Sometimes I just don’t understand His devotion to us. Shouldn’t He be fed up with us by now? But He’s not. I only hope I can commit more of my life to Him, piece by piece, day by day. And I pray the same for you.

Committed, Never Fading

2010-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

Emotions. We all have them. Some of us show them more than others. Some of us keep them bottled up, but they are still there. There are certain things in life that grab our emotions and capture them tightly. Situations can take hold of our emotions. The tragedy in Haiti has left my heart saddened by all of those who have lost their lives, and yet I am hopeful as well due to the outpouring of help that is coming from across the globe. Stories can leave us emotional as well. I am not afraid to admit I still get a little misty eyed when I see Samuel L. Jackson run out of the courtroom and hug his daughter at the end of the film A Time to Kill. But most of the time after my emotions take hold, I go back to my normal way of life, my normal way of feeling. I turn off the TV news, or I walk out of the movie theater.

Some people say that love is an emotion. I happen to believe that love is something more than just an emotion. True love, like the kind God has for His children and what His children are supposed to have for Him, is not something that is meant to be strong and fervent one minute and back to lukewarm and “normal” the next. If that was the case, then love is something fickle. And since the Creator defines what love is (because He is love), then it can’t be fickle. It has to be something constant. Something that doesn’t fade in and fade out; a commitment of sorts.

I confess that there have been many times in my life where my devotion to God is this fickle thing that I call love. I want to serve Him and please Him one minute, and then the next day my passion has died down a little. You ever felt like that? You ever heard some sermon that just made your heart burn with a desire for God and then slowly that burning fire died down? I think I have had many of those moments. I think those kind of moments are what going to church camp as a teen is all about.

I believe that God wants more than that from us. I am reminded of what Jesus taught about the benefits of building your house on a rock versus building your house on sand. A rock is something permanent. It’s strong and stable. Sand is shifty. It can be hard to keep your footing when you are in the sand. My love and devotion needs to be more like a rock and less like the sand. My faith needs to be more of a commitment and less of an emotion. My faith needs to be something that just is and not something that is on fire one minute and then quickly washed away. An unstable love is not really a love at all. My desire is to be completely captivated by my God. Not just on certain days of the week or certain times when I am going through difficulties. It’s so easy for me to run to God when times are tough. But I want to be close to God at all times; in the good and the bad. That’s what being in a relationship with God is all about. My desire is to have a love for Him that is not based in emotion but in commitment, because He committed to me before I even knew Him. And I pray the same for you as well because He has committed Himself to all of His children.

Lately.

2010-01-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

Hi. How’s it going? Hope the New Year is treating you well so far. As you may or may not know, I have been working on getting my Masters in Professional Counseling. Well, I am taking this semester off. Scheduling issues. Looks like it’s gonna take me a little longer to complete. I know you might be thinking, “Haven’t you been doing that a few years now?” Yeah, I think I can graduate before the end of this decade we just started. Give me a break, I work full time and it’s a 60-something hour program. So, now I am finding I have free time on my hands, which is kinda crazy for me. Usually, I spend my weekends buried in psych books but not this semester. Now, I have time to write again, which is why you are currently reading this. (Thanks for reading buy the way. I know there are other ways you could spend 10 minutes.)

Usually, I try to tell some story and relate it to some lesson I have learned from God in hopes that you can take some nugget of wisdom away but not today. Today, I just wanted to write an update about things going on in my life and some things God has taught me lately. (if you happen to learn anything positive from what God has taught me, then great. so this actually may end up being like something I usually write.).

First of all, my 1st published article comes out in about a month or so. It totally came out of no where. I have been writing and rambling for a few years now and have never been professionally published. I even wrote a book, which I could not get picked up. And then, out of no where a friend/magazine editor asked for some pieces. I sent some but didn’t hear anything for about 4 months. I just assumed my stuff sucked and they had read better literary pieces on the stalls in public restrooms. But then I got the call, or e-mail I should say. So I guess the lesson I learned is to never count God out. I prayed and prayed and prayed for something to happen with my writing and it never did. It is great when someone tells you that they learned something from something you wrote, but getting something published was something I needed to do. After a while, I felt like maybe God didn’t want it to happen. And after a lot of complaining on my part, I came to accept that. But I wasn’t going to completely stop writing because it is an ability God has given me. And I kept on. And out of no where He surprised me and showed me He is faithful. I’m not saying He’ll answer your prayer to win the lottery or anything like that (He hasn’t answered that one for me yet), but He can be trusted. And to trust God means to follow Him even when He doesn’t answer all your prayers.

And then there’s the whole taking off this semester thing. Yes, it is putting me behind on when I plan to graduate. Yes, I wished it wasn’t happening. You ever have something like that happen? Where things are running smoothly and then all of a sudden, Wham-o. Delayed. Life On-hold. I guess I could sit here and whine and complain about how I gonna be behind now. About how my brain might get rusty or something because I am not taking classes. I’m trying my best to be positive about it. It’s going to be nice to read for pleasure for a few months. It will be relaxing not to have papers and tests to worry about for awhile. And I am saving the money I would have spent on tuition. Sometimes God likes to bring us to a place where we are kind of on hold. Maybe He knows that we need the rest, or maybe there’s another reason. But I believe He brings us to these places because He knows what’s best for us at every moment in our life.

That’s really all that’s been going on in my life lately. That and me still being single. But that’s a whole other post entirely. Sorry for the long post; it’s been a while. Til next time. Happy twenty-ten.

Quick to listen, slow to speak

2009-10-26T19:37:00.001-07:00

Last week I had coffee with a new friend of mine. I call him new, but we actually have known each other for awhile. We had one of those casual relationships; the kind where you only speak to each other when you pass by. So, since we were only acquaintances to begin with, it was great to actually get to know him on a deeper level.

I love talking with people. I love hearing people’s stories. I wish I could sit down and talk with a new person everyday. But A: I don’t have that much time now and B: it would be hard to get to know everyone on a deeper level if I spread myself out that much. I still believe though that getting to know someone is such a rewarding experience. It’s almost as if it’s spiritual, even when God is not the topic of conversation. Hey, maybe we are wired for human connection?

Anyways, I heard a verse last week that has been on the forefront of my mind for the last few days. It comes from James chapter 1, one of my most favorite chapters in the Bible.

James 1:19 “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Chances are you may have heard this before. Good wisdom tends to get around. Every time I have heard this verse before though, it’s been about how we shouldn’t rush into anger. That’s a good idea, don’t get me wrong. But I have been thinking about the first part of this verse. “…be quick to listen, slow to speak…”

Many times when I am talking with someone my selfish nature takes over and my thoughts become about what I am going to say next. Many times I find myself not actually listening with my heart and soul to the other person. Many times I find myself fast to speak.

I think what James is trying to say is that our connection with each other is something important and sacred. And because of this, we should actually listen to each other. Not just hear what someone else is saying, but try to listen and understand the heart of the individual. Loving others is supposed to be at the top of our list, right behind loving God. And how can I show someone my love for them if I am not truly taking in what they are saying?

Maybe I should begin to listen more to the people I am talking with, maybe I should think about and meditate on what they are saying so that I can really get to know their heart. Then, after I have heard and feel what their heart and soul are saying to me, that’s when I respond. Don’t rush for a response. Don’t email them back right away. Take the time to try and understand my brother or sister. That’s what I want to do more, and I pray the same for you.

Excuses

2009-10-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

You ever have those random conversations with God where He points out something He doesn’t like that’s a part of your life. I had one of those last night while driving home. For some reason God had me thinking about excuses.

Excuses we give Him so we won’t have to do what He says.

“Look God, I know how You want me to live. I know what You think is best .But here’s what I’m going to do.”

“Look at this person over there. They are in worse shape than me.”

“But God, those things You said back in the olden days really can’t apply in our modern society.”

“But God, look at me. I’m in no shape to be a leader.”

“I’d like to give my whole life to You, but I think I’ll just hold on to this little thing.”

“But God my girlfriend and I are married in our hearts.”

“But God it’s not like I’m a murderer or anything serious like that.”

But, but, but…

I know God gets tired of listening to my excuses and honestly I have been tired of giving them for quite some time. I can give out many stories in the Bible about guys making excuses to God. First we have Adam: Hey yeah I ate the fruit God, but it’s the woman’s fault. She gave me the fruit. There’s Moses: “But I’m not good with words. Why do I have to go lead my people out of Egypt?” Then, we have Jonah: it doesn’t record Jonah’s excuse but we know He had one. Anytime you run from God, you have all kinds of excuses. I bet he was scared of the Ninevites.

And of course we know that life would have been much better for the people if they had just obeyed God from the beginning. No wasting time. No debating. Just followed through on their path.

While I was thinking about this I was immediately taken to the story of Jesus’ death. He didn’t give God any excuses. He didn’t whine that the dying for the sin of the world was too much. “Listen God, Good Friday is just not a good day for me, how about next week?” (I don’t think it was called Good Friday back then though.) He knew what He had to do and He followed through. Even though He hadn’t done anything wrong, He took all of our wrongdoings and suffered the punishment for them…all without any excuses. No buts. No running away. No passing the blame.

If He has done that for me, why am, I still making excuses for not living my whole life for Him? Yeah, it’s great to claim to follow Jesus, but to actually follow through with what you say you believe is a different story. To lay your excuses aside and give it all to Him is the only actual way to follow Him. Sure we’ll make some mistakes along the way. Thankfully He has grace. And it’s more than enough. So for me it’s time to start laying my excuses aside and picking up my cross. And I pray the same for you.

An Almost Forgotten Memory

2009-10-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I used to be scared of the movie theater. Totally frightened. I must have been around 5 years old when I had this fear. It wasn't the movie theater itself or the smell of stale popcorn or sticky floors that scared me. My fear came from the walls. You know how back in the day the walls of movie theaters had these huge curtains/drapes type deals on the side walls. That's where my fear came from. Those curtain things. I was convinced that something was behind those curtains and it wasn't walls. Some kind of child-hungry monster lived behind those curtains in my mind. I used to demand to sit in the middle so I didn't have to be near them. I had totally forgotten about this fear until I went to the theater recently. I was just sitting there and I had this flashback. I chuckled a bit because I haven't thought about that fear in forever.

The other night I ran into an old friend. I hadn't seen this friend in awhile but immediately I was taken back. The first memory that came to mind was the summer when I introduced my friend to the awesomeness that is the movie You Got Served. Yes, I just admitted that. So what?

Its fun when random memories creep back to mind. Times long forgotten, but I guess not really forgotten at all. I have these random memories pop up every now and then. Many days I get too caught up in whatever it is that is going on to even think about the past. I forget to laugh about the good old days. I forget the lessons I learned in the terrible days as well. God can be good at reminding me though. I wish He didn't have to.

I wish I could always remember that He loves me and is always there for me.

I wish I could always remember that He is my strength during days when I am searching for someplace to hold me up.

I wish I could always remember that His ideas about how to live my life are far wiser than anything I could ever come up with.

The thing is, I know these truths in my soul but I often live like I have forgotten them. I often live like I don't have any memory of the past lessons learned. As if I have some sort of amnesia. But I don’t have amnesia. I just choose to do things my way.

I think we get like this sometimes. We act like we forget about God. We do things our way. We relapse momentarily. “Back slide.” Honestly, I am tired of getting that feeling after I screw up. I hate forgetting about God and His ways. And honestly, when I mess up He’s not at the forefront of my mind. He’s like a forgotten memory.

But I know He deserves more than just being a deity that fades in and out of importance. He desires more than that. And so I want to give Him more than that. I want to remember Him and His guidance on how to live my life every waking moment. I know I’ll screw up from time to time. But I will remember that He is still there and His ways are still worth pursuing. And I pray the same for you…

The Life I Think About

2009-08-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

I tend to think a lot. To wonder. Many different things cross my mind on a given day. I wonder what I’ll have for dinner. I think about how creepy that movie was that I watched last week. I wonder how things will go tomorrow night. I question how God can really love me despite how messed up I am. I think about the life that I want to have.

That last thought, about the life I want to have, is one I wish I spent more time on. I guess sometimes life can get pretty mundane. I know sometimes I’ll look at the calendar and ask where has the last month/week/hour gone. Life can just happen to you if you let it.

When I find myself thinking about my life, I tend to ask God if this is the life He has in store for me. Is a routine life what He came to give me?

I am reminded of Jesus saying something about coming to give an abundant life. A life to the fullest is how some translations read. I don’t think Jesus meant that as far as giving me material things. He’s a deeper person than that. I think He’s talking about a life of meaning.

Giving a life of significance. Something untamed.

A life filled with love, and passion, and adventure, and risks, and truth, and laughter.

If I am truthful with myself, that’s the kind of life my heart yearns for. I don’t really get excited about a neat, arranged, mundane life. I was not meant to live a life where I’m just going through the motions. Honestly, I think that’s the life most of us have settled for. We walk around sort of in a haze, just letting life happen. We have jobs, we have families; we have ordinary non-passionate life.

Don’t get me wrong, jobs and families are great things. I believe in work and I strongly believe in families. I have friends that work 70 plus hours a week and they are completely drained. That can be fine and all especially if you love your job. But I don’t think that’s the case most of the time. I think we do it because we don’t know what else there is to do. We’ve settled for a life where it’s just about getting ahead and surviving rather than living life to the fullest. We are existing for this boring, dutiful, neat life. But I don’t believe that life should be boring or dutiful or neat at all.

I want to live the life that Jesus came to give. Sure, I want to work but I know I am more than my work. Sure, it’d be fine to increase my wealth. But I think I meant for more than a life that’s just fine. And I know that there’s more to life than just material things. So I am going to pursue that life that my soul cries out for, not just think about it. The kind of life that I was created for. The abundant, full kind of life that Jesus came to give. I hope you can do the same.

What God Taught Me about Mj and McNair's Deaths.

2009-07-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

I remember listening to Thriller on the record player with my cousin when I was 3. That creepy laugh at the end always scared me. I remember dancing in my room to the Bad cassette, which I still have today. As everyone already knows, Michael Jackson passed away last week.

Last weekend, former Tennessee Titans quarterback Steve McNair also died. I can't say that I have as many great memories about McNair, but he seemed like a good guy. Like the kind of guy you could just kick back and hang with. When I first learned about his death, I told a friend "well that's what happens when you screw around...you get screwed." I was wrong when I said that.

One of the things that binds all of us on Earth together is that we are all sinners. We all have our faults, we all have our own short comings. Just because someone is more famous than I am, they're sins come out into the light for everyone to see...while mine stay more hidden. I have heard some Christians make callous remarks about Jackson and McNair, and I completely understand where they are coming from. I have said my own.

But I have had a change of heart recently. God has shown me some things that I thought I knew, but I guess I didn't truly believe. What good does it do to point out Jackson's mistakes? Michael was crazy, I'm not denying that. He was different, and there was always speculation surrounding him. But who am I to point the finger at him in ridicule? I think that Jesus is pointing right back at me, saying I need to get the 2x4 out of my own eye.

And of course it was wrong for McNair to have a girlfriend on the side. There is no excuse for that. Anyone who knows me knows how much affairs sicken me. But I also know that all sins sicken God. My sins, McNair's sins, your sins. They're all the same in His eyes. What gives me the right to show off my self-righteous pride by throwing stones at Steve McNair? I would have probably been ones of those people who tried to throw stones at the lady who committed adultery. You know, the story where Jesus shows up and says whoever is without sin should cast the 1st stone.

I think we as followers of Christ would better represent Him if we were more like Him. (Wow, such a revolutionary concept. Christians being more like Christ.) We all have those around us know who we silently or openly criticize and judge. We all find ourselves pointing our fingers at our own brothers and sisters. I do it all of the time. But it's not what Christ would do. He would say something like, "We both know you screwed up. But that's not the end of your story. Let me show you a better way to do life. Let me show you how much God loves you. Let me point out the good in you and encourage you to live the life you were created for." I think that this is the attitude I should have when I find myself pointing the finger.

What Rocky Taught Me About Father's Day

2009-06-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

You know I thought that Father’s Day wouldn’t bother me by now. But I was thinking about it the other day, and it kinda still does. Yes, I have some father issues. Well, they’re not really my issues since I have done all I can to try to have a relationship with my father. But it hasn’t really worked out. Last year I made my mom go see a movie with me on Father’s Day. I don’t hate my dad for his mistakes because hate is a terrible way to live. Hate eats at you and consumes you. Disappointed and let down would be an appropriate way to say how I feel. I’m not sure it’s something I’ll ever get truly ‘over’. It’s just a feeling that I’ve encountered often.

You know, speaking of Father’s Day, I thought I would be having one of my own by now. I have friends with kids. I’m not even anywhere near the place where I’m going to have kids. You have to have more than just yourself involved if you want to have kids.

I’ve heard my fair share of “I just think we should be friends.” That gets old after awhile.

Recently, I sent some writing submissions into a publisher. The only reason I sent them in is because someone who worked there asked me to. I guess they didn’t like them. I didn’t get a response.

Disappointment is a part of life. I have never met anyone who hasn’t experienced it; some people seems like they get it more than others though. Those folks who seem like they have it easy get on my nerves sometimes. I know that I’m wrong in feeling this, but hey at least I’m honest.

Truthfully, I’m jealous of these types of folks. It seems like their life is perfect; like they have everything they’ve ever wanted. And I wish my life had turned out that way. I wish I had landed that job, or gotten married, or had a kid, or…

And I’ve heard all of the cliché sayings that people tell you when you feel like I do.

“God just has something better in store for you.”

“He’s trying to teach you something.”

“His timing is not our timing.”

I know these things but they are not something I really want to hear when I feel disappointed. I think it’s important to admit the bad times though. Admit the hurt. Don’t act like everything is okay.

I watched Rocky Balboa the other night; it’s the Rocky movie Stallone did a couple of years ago. Something he said caught my attention. He was talking with his son about life and the let downs that happen along the way.

“You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward.”

Great wisdom from the Italian Stallion.

I think that is the point to it.

To persevere,

Keep going and moving,

To keep learning and growing.

Allow your hard knocks to transform you into a better person. Share what you’ve learned with others and keep living.

That what James did. He knew persecution. He knew disappointment. And he wrote, “Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds. Because you know the testing if your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.”

To persevere, in the midst of disappointment. This is a virtue I strive for more of.

Why Do I Serve?

2009-05-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

Preface: I wrote this on Easter Sunday.

It’s Easter again. The time where we come together and celebrate Your death and Resurrection. Your sacrifice. Our redemption.

It’s the time of year where we decorate eggs in Your name and buy new pastel colored clothing to remember the price You paid. Oh, and I can’t forget the giant candy-delivering bunny that spreads Your Good News.

For some reason this Easter I am not paying attention to the sermon being given by the preacher. Instead, for some reason I am questioning myself and my intentions. And I guess the biggest question I have right now is why do I worship You?

Why do I call You God?

Why do I claim to follow You?

Why do I say I love You?

Is it because of the blessings I hope to receive due to my devotion? Do I worship You because I think that will make me better off? You are God over all. You have the capacity to give me everything I have ever wanted. You can give me a promotion at work if it’s Your will. You can lead me to the girl of my dreams and a nice white picket fence. You can make my life easier. Is that why I am sitting in church today? Do I believe that if I give my life to You, that You will in turn give me my heart’s desires? Look, I know I don’t pray to You as often as I should. And You probably get tired of hearing from me only when I need something. Do I think of You just as some magic genie I can call on to grant my wishes?

Or do I claim to love You because You are simply a tradition? It’s true that You are something that I have grown up with. I have heard Your word so much that sometimes it doesn’t excite me like it used to. Have I built up a tolerance to Your piercing love over the years? Is my heart calloused to You? I am a creature of habit; I do what I’ve always done because that’s all I’ve ever known. Does this habitual worship apply to You? Is my love and service just a mundane ritual or is there love and desire in me?

Most of the people I am around claim You as Savior. These people I surround myself with are the ones I care about and value. Which leads me to the question, Do I worship You because the people around me do? Am I just following the crowd? What if one day everyone decided to turn away from You? Then, would I still follow the pack like a mindless zombie or would I still be devoted to You? I value others’ opinions of me; I am afraid of being an outcast. Do I do things for You so that I will be accepted? Am I looking for approval in the eyes of men rather than in Your eyes?

These are the questions I ask You because You are supposed to know me better than I know myself. Am I just in it for the selfish gain? Or do I put Your desires above my own? Would I still serve You if You took away everything? Do I follow You out of tradition, as if You are just a habit I have simply lost all meaning of? Or do Your words sound frsh ever time I hear them? Does passion still burn in my soul for You? Do I claim to follow You so that I will be loved by others? Am I seeking their approval over Yours? Or do I put You in a position high above everyone in my life?

Search me Jesus. Search my my heart, my soul, my life. Weed out the things that are not of You and for You. I pray that my life can become less about me and my ways, and more about You and Yours.

Called

2009-04-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard someone say they were called to be in ministry? I have. I remember going to a youth camp in 7th grade. It was one of those emotional deals, where the speaker brings down fire and brimstone. I remember his sermon. He spoke on doing something for God. And how sometime God can push you into doing something, but that you should jump in before He pushes you. I remember feeling scared. I didn’t want God to push me. God probably is jacked like a bodybuilder and what if He pushes too hard? I remember telling my youth group at the end of the service that I felt like God was calling me into ministry and I wanted to surrender my life to His plans. I bet I was probably crying while saying this. Hey, those emotional sermons can get to ya.

Now here I am. I’m 27 and selling advertising for a living. I am not in ministry. I am studying to be a counselor, but that’s not ministry. So what happened? Why didn’t I go to a seminary college or major in preaching? I don’t know. I think my views have changed a lot over the years about what God’s calling actually means.

I guess I don’t believe that there are those called to go into ministry and then the rest of us. I think we are all ‘called’ by God to do something in our lives. As since we are all called, then one calling is not more special in His eyes than another one. The thing is, some of us know what we are called to do, some of us think we know, and some of us have no idea.

I think the important thing is to be open for whatever God has in store for your life. Sometimes He can lead us places where we don’t want to go, but we will be better off if we follow. We are called to love God and to love others no matter where He leads us. Sometimes we like to point out the verse where God says that He knows the plans He has for us. I think it’s true; He does have plans for us. It just that most of the time most of us are clueless as to what they are.

The key here is to be willing to go and do and say whatever God wants from you. It’s much like Isaiah, when he over heard God asking who should He send; Isaiah volunteered. He was eager to do whatever God wanted Him to do. I think if our desire is to love God and to serve Him, then He will guide us to where He best can use us. He wants the talents He placed in us to shine. It may be ministry. But then again it may be business, or education, or music, or government. God calls us all, but in different ways.

Walk in love,
matt

2009-04-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

In my Marriage and Family class last night we talked a lot about the importance of forgiveness. Of course, that forgiveness is a meaningful component when discussing aspects of marriage and family. (It’s really important in all relationships.) So ever since last night I have been thinking about what it means to forgive.

I have made my share of mistakes in regards to relationships. Probably more than my share. There are things I regret. There are feelings that I have hurt. And there are things I wished I would have not said (or said). But that’s a natural part of life. Screwing up and hurting others. I’m not saying it’s a great part of life, but nevertheless it still happens to everyone. There have been times I have beat myself up over the wrongs I have committed in my relationships. Sometimes it seems harder to forgive yourself than it does to forgive others.

Along with my own mistakes, there have been times where I have felt betrayed by others. People have let me down before and they will most certainly do it again. I have held on to grudges. Held on too tightly sometimes. It’s hard to forgive. I mean, this person did me wrong. I trusted them with a part of me and look what I got in return. How many times have we all had that thought? There have been times where I have wished justice on someone who turned their back on me.

Yes, hurting others and being hurt is something we have all experienced and will experience again. So we have to learn to deal with it, right? I know I have apologized to God and the ones I know I have hurt, and I think that’s where forgiving yourself begins. I have grieved deeply over my past mistakes and God has graciously taught me something from each situation. But I don’t dwell on my shortcomings. I think dwelling on these things forces us into a feeling of being trapped by our past. Thankfully, because of His love we don’t have to live in the past; we are offered freedom and love in the present.

I have learned (the hard way) that I can’t dwell on the hurt I have felt from others too. When I spend my time brooding over how someone did me wrong, I am giving that person’s action power over my own life. I am giving them control over my own thoughts and emotions and actions. Also, I know that other people are human just like me. We all screw up. I am no different from them. But you don’t know what this person did to me! I could never forgive them! True, but I know we are all capable of evil. There is no one who is righteous. There is no better way to show God’s love to someone than to forgive someone’s betrayal.

Walk in love…
matt

The Day Before

2009-03-13T14:13:00.001-07:00

Wow. I can't believe it's been 2 months since I last posted. I have been writing, but mostly with pen and paper. Yes, taking it old school. Eventually I will get around to typing that stuff up.

I am leaving the country tomorrow. I'll be traveling to one of my second homes, an orphanage in Mexico. I think this will be my 7th trip there. I think I may have lost count though. A friend of mine describes the place as "the closest place to Heaven on earth" and I have to agree with her.

I have made some great friendships with some of there people there. It's always great to get a chance to go see old friends you don't get to spend time with that often. There's one kid there that I have literally watched grow up. It's amazing when you can get a chance to see a life take shape before your very eyes.

It's always fun trying to speak Spanish with the children there. I'm not that good at it. But I am happy to report that I can finally roll my r's. I found this out while driving home the other night from class. I can't wait to show off my r rolling skills to the teen girls at the orphanage. They think my Spanish is so bad that last year they gave me their Spanish/English translation book. Apparently, I needed it worse than they did.

I am very thankful for the many relationships I have formed with the people there. We are seperated by cultures. By languages. By distance. But God has still seen fit to weave our stories together, as only He can do. I guess His love has no boundaries.

Too Scared to...

2009-01-11T19:38:00.002-08:00

When I’m first getting to know someone I like to ask them questions. Questions are such a great and natural way to learn more about a person. (A little more natural than stalking them on facebook.) Questions show that you are interested. One of my favorite questions is, “What are you afraid of?” That’s such a classic question. “What scares you?” For some people it is clowns. For others it’s spiders. Some folks are afraid of being alone. And some are just afraid of the dark. I hate answering that question though. (This probably means I shouldn’t ask it.)

Honestly, I don’t like to admit that I am scared of anything. But there are things that I fear. Now none of my fears would cause me to have a panic attack or run away screaming, but there are some times when I get scared. Rejection, dying young, not fulfilling my purpose – these are just some of my fears.

God has been speaking to me a lot about fears lately. I read a piece on Donald Miller’s blog the other day and I was instantly confronted with truth. He was talking about being scared to say the closing prayer at the Democratic National Convention. Don writes, “Fear is always a sign that a great story is about to be written (or not, depending on how you respond.)” Fear is such a great way to keep you from doing something. It’s great at holding you back. What better way to keep you from accomplishing a life goal than fear? What better way to keep you from connecting with the person who could change your life forever than fear?

I have a lot of dreams that I would love to accomplish in life. I do believe that I have a purpose. Many times when I find myself pursuing my dreams or trying to live in my purpose I encounter fears. Lately, when I encounter these fears I try to take a moment to pause. I ask myself what’s the worst that could happen? I could be rejected (been there, done that & survived). People could say mean things about me. (I don’t give too much credit to people who say mean things.) Or, quite possibly, the situation could actually turn out for the good. Now imagine that. The thing is I will never know how situations will turn out if I let my fears control me. I will never come closer to living in my purpose if I’m too fearful to pursue it. I will never know how much a relationship can change my life for the better (and maybe other lives) if I’m too scared to invest myself in another person.

God says that where He’s present, fear shall not reign. He says that He takes care of the flowers in the fields and clothes them with beauty and splendor – He says that He will take care of us with even more love than He shows the flowers. It really comes down to “Do I trust Him to take care of me and the situations I am in when I encounter fear?” I believe that God has certain plans for my life and certain ones for your life; plans that are so great we can’t even imagine them. But, now here’s the question, how will we ever get to experience those great plans if we’re too scared to move?

Aspirations for 2009

2009-01-04T18:32:00.000-08:00

The past few days I have just been thinking about the New Year and what exactly that means. It feels like it’s a way to start fresh. This year doesn’t have to be the same as the last. Not to say that last year was a terrible year, but I like to find things I can improve on. So here’s a few things I want to work at this year.

Make more time for others. I like helping people and I like being a friend, but I’m also kind of selfish. We’ve all had those phone calls where we look at the ID and then decide not to pick it up. Well, I want to be more available to the people around me. I also tend to get distracted easily, so when I am with someone I want to be fully present during that time.

Seek out the things that bring me joy in life and pursue those more often. Life can get mundane. Sometimes it can get boring. It’s not supposed to be that way though. I think that God created us to experience joy and excitement. Sometimes we get too caught up in the everyday that we forget what our passions are and how to go after them.

Don’t let fear control any aspect of your life. I remember being too scared in middle school to ask a girl out. I don’t struggle with that fear any more (okay maybe sometimes). But fear is something that we give over big portions of our lives to. God says that we should never fear because He is on our side. And if we’ll just take a deep breath, count to five, and say no to fear…there’s no telling what great things we can experience.

And along those lines, don’t back away from risks. Truthfully, I like to play it safe. I think most of us do. But if we don’t take risks, life gets pretty boring. When we take risks we are seeking out what it truly means to be alive. The great life that our hearts call out for is not found sitting on the couch; it’s found out in the unknown.

Never give up on people. Persistence is not my best quality. Neither is patience when it comes to people. Someone does me wrong, I typically say okay and mentally write that person off. I don’t want to be that way though. I think the world would be a better place if no one gave up on anyone else.

These are just a few of the things I have come up with so far. I’ll probably think of more later on during the year. But that’s okay. Life is supposed to have adjustments. And I need to make room for them.

Lonely

2008-12-30T18:41:00.000-08:00

I have learned a lot about life in my short existence. I have learned that God has a way of working things out; often in a way you least expect Him to. I have learned that investing time in others is one of the greatest joys there is. And I learned that there is nothing more inspiring to a man that the beauty of a particular woman. There’s something else I have learned about life, it’s that there’s a desperate craving inside all of our souls to connect. We need others. A British poet, John Donne, once wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself…” There are no truer words.
No one wants to be alone. Sure there are times where we like to be alone so we can rest, reflect, and create, but man was not designed to handle being alone for a substantial amount of time. When you are alone for a long time you tend to go crazy.
Loneliness is a crazy thing and it causes crazy actions. It can drive a woman into the arms of another man or vice versa. It can even cause someone to commit the ultimate tragedy upon themselves or someone around them.
There have been times in my life where I have dealt with loneliness. I think we have all had those moments. Those moments where we just need someone to be there. To listen. To stand by our side. To assure us that everything will turn out okay.
This is the part where I would normally say something cliché like, “If you have Jesus, you never be truly alone.” And that’s true and all but it can only be so comforting.
Loneliness is there for a reason. It’s there to let us know that we weren’t meant to face life alone. It’s there to remind us that there is something greater to life than ourselves. You see, if life was all about me then being alone really wouldn’t bother me. I would be completely comfortable with it. But life is not about me. It’s about connecting with others. It’s about making time for people and being a little less selfish. It’s about letting those around you know how much you mean to them. And it’s about taking risks for love’s sake, because love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And when there’s love, loneliness can never last that long.

Ice Cream Flavors

2008-12-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

I like variety. That’s just the type of person I am. I can’t help it. I’m the type of person who gets bored very easy. And I’m very impatient as well. When something bores me, I usually get frustrated and move on. I also like the chocolate brownie ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s my favorite. But it’s not the only one I like. If you told me that the chocolate brownie kind was the only ice cream I could have for the rest of my life I would probably give up ice cream all together. I mean, my tongue has tons of different flavor taste buds-I don’t just have chocolate brownie taste buds. So I would just give all of the flavors up…or resort to violence and punch you in the trachea. Why just have one kind when there are tons more flavors out there? It’s insane.

Honestly, I’m kind of confused right now. My confusion pertains to the church I attend. It’s a Baptist church, even though I don’t identify myself as a Baptist. It’s kinda the church I grew up in. When I went away to college, I tried all types of churches. Churches of Christ, Non- denominational, charismatic, and even the occiasional trip to Box Springs Episcopal. And I learned a lot about God from each church. (Even the mattress one b/c God made sleep so therefore it must be good)

So yes, I am getting kind of antsy at church because I’ve been there so long. And to me, a church is supposed to be progressive. And because it’s not progressive and constantly evolving I am getting bored. I dislike singing the same songs over and over and the ministries and activities seem the same each year. Remember, I’m the kind of person who thrives of variety. Also, I don’t think I fit in. I think I’m the only person there who voted democrat in the last election and I’m afraid if they find this out they will shun me anyways (slight exaggeration). I know I’m probably one of the more liberal people there. I don’t think cuss words in and of themselves are sins. I don’t think drinking is either. I don’t believe in the war. And I don’t think that a great way to spend money is a new building. And I like rap music.

I’ve meant all this in a slightly light hearted yet slightly serious tone. And it’s not that my church is doing anything wrong; it’s just that I don’t know if it’s for me. And yes, I know that someone will say that church is about what you give to it and not what you get out of it. I kinda agree, but not fully though. I think it’s a mixture of both. But this has just been a reminder for me that God is very creative. Just look around. He’s created unique beings who He has designed to experience Him in many different ways. So I guess that’s the positive thing you can take for my scattered thoughts.

forts

2008-12-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was a little kid I liked to build forts. What little boy doesn't enjoy a good fort? Forts were great. They were great when you wanted to hide from someone. Of course, it's easy to spot a blanket draped over some chairs. Forts are also good for protection. They keep the bad guys out. But you can only stay in the fort so long before you run out of juice boxes and fruit snacks. Sooner or later you have to come out.

I have known some adults who have built forts, metaphorical forts, around their lives. I have even done it a time or too. I guess it's a natural reaction to when people let you down. You build a fort so that it becomes more difficult for others to let you down. I understand that. And the more times you have been hurt or disappointed, the stronger the walls of your fort are.

Now, I know that we are supposed to guard our hearts. I get that. But I also know that we are not supposed to live a life fortified from the outside world. Sometimes we can get so caught up in not getting hurt that we cut ourselves off from all feelings and emotions. We won't let others into our lives, fearing that they won't like us if they find out who we really are. If we do let someone in, we fight them the whole way. The tragedy here is that we end up not living a life we were created for. We live a life of exile; one where our hearts are separated from what could be.

I love the quote "the Glory of God is man fully alive." We are not truly living if we live a fortified life. And if we are not truly living, then we are wasting the time we have been given. Sure when we let down our walls we become exposed to the possibility of pain, but we also will get to experience true joy and love that do overshadow the darkness of pain. And I would rather experience all of the emotions that life has to offer, rather than none at all. Besides, broken hearts are meant to be healed, not locked up in a prison.

My Area of Expertise

2008-12-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

So for those of you who don’t know, I am studying counseling in grad school. In counseling, it seems best if you have an area of expertise. It could be working with a certain demographic (children) or specializing in treating a certain disease (Tricotelomania) or maybe just become a teacher or do counseling research. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to specialize in. I think I have narrowed it down to two different areas. One is PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can happen to people who experience traumatic situations like war, rape, or abuse. The other area is marriage and family. (I wonder if there’s anyone who has experienced PTSD because of their marriage.) I know you are thinking, “Matt, how can you work with families and marriages when you’re not even married yourself?” Ah, good question. To that I would say that a pediatrician doesn’t have to be a parent in order to treat children.

I think I do know some things about marriages and families though. One thing that really gets to me is when marriages fall apart. I hate to see that happen. But why does it happen? What’s the root of the problem? I mean, two individuals coming together as one is supposed to come easy, right? Not at all. You see, there’s one thing I know about humans, after all I am one. We are selfish people. It’s something that comes natural. I have never met a person that had to work to become selfish. It’s almost as if we were born that way. I admit that I am selfish. I do not want to be this way. It’s a constant struggle. But hey, good things are worth fighting for right?

One of the things that I have seen in marriages is that two selfish people come together and they still remain selfish. It’s all about what can I get from this other person without having to give anything in return. And honestly, any relationship (whether it’s marriage or friendship) where it’s only about selfish desires being met is destined to be destructive. Then there are those relationships where one person is selfish and the other is not. This one is not healthy either. You have one person trying to serve and the other person acting like a slave master. It’s basically abuse.

I think a healthy relationship is where two people try their best to serve each other. A good relationship is one where each person is constantly asking the other “How can I better love you”, “How can I better serve you.” And this amazing thing starts to happen when you invest your time in others…you begin to feel better about the relationship. When you spend your time serving others, life starts to make more sense. It’s almost as if there was some rule to life that if you love others more than yourself, things will work out for you. I think I have read that somewhere before.

matt spann

The Truth of the Matter...

2008-09-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

For some reason the idea of truth has been on my mind today. I don’t know why. I think about such topics of love, and relationships, and giving, and service a lot….but I don’t tend to dwell on the idea of truth that much. I do like the concept of truth, though. It brings to mind something that is constant and strong. Truth seems to be something that won’t fade away when it feels like it or only call when it has nothing better to do. Something that is true is true no matter what. And there are BIG truths and little truths that we all think about. Little truths being that there is not right or wrong way to worship Jesus with music. He loves all music; from the folks sing A-capella to the hardcore bands screaming out His name. Another little truth is that I personally think it’s okay to have alcohol (in moderation ). I see the Bible and see things like “God created wine to gladden the hearts of men” (Psalms 104:15) and the whole bit about Jesus turning water unto wine. But hey that’s just my opinion and I don’t really care to debate the topic.

But then there are things that are BIG truths. Big truths being that Jesus is God and died for the sins of mankind. A big truth such as Jesus is the only way to eternal life with God. These things are undeniable, to me. And honestly, if someone doesn’t hold these big truths I believe they are wrong. There are also some big truths that I doubt sometime, but deep down I know they are right. I know that God had something special in mind when He created me, but sometimes I forget this and get too caught in the everyday routine of things. I know that God created every single person around me out of love and He wants me to love them as He does. But sometimes I forget this truth too and view people by what’s on the outside or what benefit they can give to me. Deep down I know that life is ultimately not about me, but many times I’m the only person on my mind. And I know I’m not alone in the way I feel here, or at least I hope I’m not.

And of course you can’t think about truth without thinking about lies. So many days I fall for so many lies in life. I don’t think we even realize how many lies are out there. “Buy this product and you will look like a model and girls (or guys) will want to sleep with you.” “The only way to be happy is to make more money.” “If you want to be successful you have to climb the corporate ladder.”

I want to seek out truth more often and let it guide my life. I want I inspire others with truth. I want to live truth out on a daily basis and not fall prey to some many of the lies that are out there. And I pray the same for you...

Why Am I Doing What I'm Doing?

2008-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what I'm doing here. Here, being in this world. At times I feel lost, looking for some glimpse of my future, searching for what path I am supposed to take.

I already have a job, but truthfully it's not what I want to do. It's draining and stressful and many days I leave work wondering why God has me there. I'm in grad school for counseling, something I think that's what I want to do, but grad school is hard too- especially when working full time. And sometimes I doubt the whole grad school thing anyways. Do I really have what it takes to make it in this profession? Do I really have what it takes to help people for a career? I feel so inadequate sometimes.

Life is hard, that's a given. Sometimes I wish I could just move to the mountains or to a far off island, somewhere away from the pressure that surrounds me and the burdens that weigh me down. But I know I would probably find pressure and stress wherever I went.

The last few years have been sort of a haze for me. I just seem to be going through the motions ; eat-drink-sleep-work-use the bathroom- and repeat. Where is this abundant life that Jesus said He came to bring? Where are the times where I can kick back and say "Now this is the life." I do have good times, don't get me wrong. But they seem overshadowed by all of the other stuff. Where's the life that is full of passion, love, and soul? Is this it? Is there more that I am missing? It seems like doubt and pressure and stress and confusion are all that's out there.

But there has to be something more. I know that deep down, there's something more that rings true in my heart. A glimpse of truth that seems to fight against the things that weigh me down. I know I'm searching for a life, the life that I was meant to have, the life that God created me for.

I believe that God has created in advance a special work for each of us to do. A sweet spot for each of us to live in and out of. God created each of us to do something unique and amazing. He says He has created us with something special in mind.

Am I living out of the unique life that God created me for? The question is, why am I doing what I am doing? Why do I let stuff get in the way from doing what God created me to do?

He intentionally made each of us, so if we are intentionally made...we are supposed to have a unique purpose for being here. But the question is are we fulfilling that purpose?

I am still wrestling with these questions myself, and I doubt that I am alone. All I know is to pray and have faith that God will guide me to the purpose He has for me. And I pray the same for you.

Her Name Was Emily...

2008-04-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

Her name was Emily…I think. Usually I am pretty good with names. And you would think I would remember the name of my first girlfriend. But hey, I was only 3 at the time. She had dark hair, I think. And she was short. But then again I was short as well. What I do remember is that we connected. We didn’t meet on the playground at daycare or in Sunday school class at church with the fannelgraphs of Noah and his Ark. Both of us were undergoing extensive stays in the Children’s Hospital. I can’t recall what disease or sickness Emily had. I do know that she was there awhile. I was in the hospital because of the heart disease known as tachycardia. (Is there a cooler name for a disease than tachycardia? I think not. It sounds like the name of some Eastern European techno group.)

Like I said earlier, because we were both young and in the hospital we connected. I guess when you go through difficult situations in life you are drawn to those who can share those situations with you. The first time I took Emily out, I rolled here around the hallways of the hospital in a red wagon. I tried to be a Southern gentleman. I also remember the fun we had while being entertained by the hospital puppet. We would always give the puppet pretend shots in the puppet arm. Injecting puppets with stuff makes for a great date when you are 3.

So where am I going with this? What’s my point besides the fact that I was an early dater? Well, it’s the idea that our lives revolve around relationships. I have no idea where Emily is or what she is doing, but I do know that we had shared a friendship while we spent a few months in the hospital. And that connectedness has stayed in my memory all of these years.

I have heard it said before that relationships can cause us to experience the greatest joys and the deepest heartaches that we will ever face in our life. I know that in my own life relationships have brought both a smile to my face and also tears to my eyes. Relationships have given me a sense of belonging. They have helped me discover who I am. Through relationships I have experienced both rejection and loss. Through relationships I have done things I told myself I would never do. Things I regret. But also through relationships I have also became a better human being. They have challenged me to grow emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Relationships have allowed me to love, to learn, to live.

And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that God is all about relationship.

Throughout the whole Bible, it’s God constantly trying to pursue a relationship with man. “Let me make this beautiful garden so you can enjoy it and come to know me.” And then man always has to screw it up somehow. “Hey, I wanna eat this fruit that you told me not to eat.” And it’s back and forth and back and forth. And then God does the ultimate thing and sends Jesus as His ultimate sign of affection for His beloved.

The thing that amazes me about me relationship with God is that even though I fail Him everyday, even though I run away from Him sometimes, even though sometimes I pretend I don’t hear Him when He asks something of me, the thing that amazes me is He still desires a relationship with me. He still calls me son.

What It's About

2008-03-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago was the first time at the orphanage in Mexico. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my first time being out of the country. It was my first actual mission trip. It was truly an eye opening experience. One of those moments that when you are experiencing it, you begin to realize that you will never look at life the same way.

Culture shock is an understatement for what I experienced. I had been so used to the American way of life. The way of life where a person's worth is determined by the amount of things they have. The way of life where money is the bottom line. The way of life where spiritual riches are equal to the amount of good things you do.

For some reason I felt more closer to God when I was there. But how could this be? I mean, I didn't worship Him in some million dollar church building while there. I did not dress up in a suit and tie while there, either. Life seemed to be simpler and God's voice seemed to be less drowned out in Mexico. Here I was, not surrounded by all of these material things that we say we cannot live without in America, and I started to see more of Him. The closeness I experienced with God down there reached into the depths of my soul, the inner most part of what makes me, me; and grabbed me.

I think the reason God captured my heart so much when I was there is because while there I was only concerned about service. How to love others as I had always loved myself. During my time there I was giving more of myself to others than I ever had before.

Maybe that's what life is all about; loving God and loving others. Maybe all of this stuff isn't so important. Maybe watching out for #1 (me) isn't really the best way to live. Maybe life is truly about being a servant of God by serving others. It's a simple way of looking at things, but it's also a life changing way. When I am serving others I feel more closer to God. When I am thinking less about how I can get ahead and more of how I can love and help others I truly feel God's presence in my life. The important thing that I have tried to remember is that God wants me to have this attitude no matter where I am. He wants me to love and serve when I here in corporate money driven America and when I am in foreign lands.

Relationship Resolution

2008-01-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not really that big on religion. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to follow Jesus and all. But as we all know it's not about religion, it's about relationship. Saying some prayer or getting sprinkled with any amount of water will not get you into the gates of heaven. A relationship with Him is the ticket.

The theme of relationship is one of the main points in the gospels. There's the whole instance where the guys ask Jesus what's the most important commandment. Jesus says Loving God and loving others. Basically, having a relationship with God and having relationships with others. That's the key to the Kingdom of God. Then there's that part where Jesus tells the folks how they should pray to God. He uses the word Father when talking to God, because that's how he wants us to relate to him. Also the situation when Jesus says anyone that's following Him is his brothers and sisters and mother.

Relationships are complicating. They have the ability to tear us down and lift us up. My New Years resolution is to invest more time in my relationship with God. (In reality, i don't make resolutions. I consider them to be more like things i want to improve upon.)

Relationships with others are quiet different from my relationship with God. I can invest all of the time in the world in a relationship with another person, but if they aren't putting forth any effort the relationship will be going no where. Let's say I'm trying to woo this young woman. Hypothetical of course. (and yes I said woo.) I can call her, and buy her flowers, and spend time with her, cook for her...but if she constantly pushes me away the relationship would be going nowhere. In relationships with others both people have to be invested.

It's different with God though. He's already invested his whole self into a relationship with us. The burden falls on us to make the relationship grow. I drop the ball alot on my relationship with God. I know that praying and reading the Bible are some ways that I can deepen my relationship with Him, but there are more. I think that the whole loving God and loving others are to loves that have to be linked. I can't just love God and not love others. My relationship with God will call me into loving others. My love for God will call me to love my enemy and my neighbor just the same. My love for God will call me to put my love into action when confronted with those affected by poverty, neglect, disease, and war. My love for God will not allow me to sit back and watch injustice go on. My love for God will afffect how I love others.

My Crazy Dreams

2007-12-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

Scientists say that everyone has dreams. Some people remember their dreams occasionally and others do not remember theirs at all. I, on the other hand, remember most of my dreams. I mean, out of 7 nights of sleep I will remember dreams from 5 or 6 of those nights.

Sometimes my dreams can be pretty normal and relate to something I am experiencing in real life. Sometimes my dreams are about things that are totally random. For instance, the other night I dreamed I was back in college. In my dream I was the owner of a black Ford F-150. My friend owned a Jeep. He liked my truck and I liked his Jeep so we just decided to trade. Simple transaction. But after we traded, I put the Jeep in neutral and left it on the side of a hill. Not the smartest move. Well, my Jeep rolled down the hill into a river where it sank. Then I became vehicle-less. If my subconscious is trying to tell me something through that dream, I have no idea what it is supposed to be.

I have a lot of dreams, or goals if you will, that I want to achieve in my life. I think goals are a good thing; they can inspire you to rise above circumstances and accomplish something you want to do. I think that some dreams are given to us by God. Some things He has specifically given to us to accomplish.

Some things I want to do in life include write a few books, finish my graduate degree, become a counselor, have a wife and children, maybe do some relief work in another country. These are just some of the more prominent ones.

Lately, I have been thinking about these dreams of mine and wrestling with their importance in my life. Are the goals my number one priority or is the Giver of those goals? Am I placing my dreams above my relationship with Him?

Yes, I would love it if each of my dreams happened. And I totally think that God deserves the glory and honor in each of these dreams. I just know how sometimes I get consumed and forget that it's about Him and not my own goals.

I know that Psalms says to delight in God and He will give you the desires of your heart.

God is supposed to be my delight, not the chasing of my dreams. Yes, these dreams can be good. Having a wife and children is great, but it dishonors God if I put my desire for a family above my desire for Him.

I want to understand more what it means to fully delight in Him. I want to lay whatever goals and dreams I have down before Him and say they are His. I want to be open to whatever plan He has for my life.

I believe that if my number one desire is Him, He will take care of the rest. Now I just gotta work on patience.

Boxes

2007-11-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am trying to come up with some clever story to lead into what I want to write about but I am coming up empty handed. I thought about opening up with a story about how I like to look up definitions for new words I come across. Yeah, it may sound a little dorky but I'm okay with that. I also thought about stating a bunch of random ideas about boxes. Yes, I said boxes. The folded cardboard creations one uses to store items in. When I was in college they also doubled as furniture. But the subject of boxes gets really boring really fast.

With no lead-in story, unless that first paragraph can be counted as one, I'm just deciding to jump into what's on my mind.

I think we all have at some point had a problem with putting things in boxes. I think we all have struggled with definitions.

I know I have defined someone before I have had a chance to get to know who they really are. I try no to do it. Sometimes labeling others just seems so easy, does it not? Dork, Conceited, Shy, Weird, Dumb, Jackass, Promiscuous, etc. Labels can be passed out just by glancing at someone. You don't have to get to know someone before you put a definition on their life. We can just look at someone, label them, and then decide if this label is a person we would associate with or not associate with.

One thing I have come to learn is that preconceived labels really don't hold up when you start to get to know someone. People are much more complicated than one word can sum up.

We tend to only associate with those people in which we have many things in common. We tend to not associate ourselves with the labels that we find undesirable. There have been many times before where I have placed someone in a box (metaphorically) before I had a chance to know them. Then when I actually sat down and conversated with the person, I realized how stupid I was for placing them in the box. (Don’t tell me conversated is not a word)

I don't think God wants us to place people in boxes or give the labels. I think He thinks we are all equals. Even though He made us equals, I think He made us where we each bring something unique to the table. Maybe so we can each learn from each other. I like being around people who I don't have that much in common with. Though, I don't do it enough. They challenge me and cause me to grow.

Believing and Doing

2007-11-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

Can I tell you something? Let you into my world a little? Thanks for saying yes.

I have been somewhat frustrated as of lately. Unappeased. Vexed, if you would. Why? Could it be something at work that's bothering me? No, not really. I mean, there are things I don't enjoy about my job but those are not the source of my frustration. School troubles, perhaps? Besides procrastinating too much on my reading, school is going fine. Lady troubles then? Um, ...no.

I have been kind of frustrated spiritually lately. Really, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not frustrated with God or anything like that. I guess it may be more of being frustrated with myself or how my relationship is going with Him.

I know first hand that relationships are only as deep as the amount of time you invest in them. I have been reading my Bible more lately than I have in awhile. I have been praying more than I have in awhile.

I have been going to church, not that I believe church attendance has anything to do with spiritual growth. I mean, it can foster growth but it is not essential.

I know I don't feel challenged that much at church lately. Sometimes I get bored with the same messages over and over. How to Step Out in Faith. How to Put Others First. And so on. I mean, I have been hearing these things all of my life. I guess sometimes I think of the sermons at church as selfish, meaning that they are only telling me how "I" can become a better Christian. I am tired of living a faith that is just about how to better myself.

Sometimes my mind starts to wander while I am setting in church and I think, "There are children being recruited by rebel groups to kill in Africa and there are people alone on the streets in my very own city. What am I doing here listening to a message about How to Encourage Others when I should be out there right now trying to make a difference for God?"

It's very easy and comfortable to have a faith that just requires you to sit in a pew or chair at church. It's more challenging to get up and do something.

But that's the kind of faith I want to have. One that involves action. A kind of faith that makes a difference in the world. A kind of faith that reaches people and lifts them up. Not a passive faith that requires little effort on my part. I want an active faith that challenges me to actually do the things that Jesus would have me to do.

Committed

2007-11-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I went to go speak at a devo for the guys in my old fraternity. The week before I went, I really had no idea what I wanted to speak about. I had talked to a friend a few days before I went and he suggested I talk about commitment. In the end, I decided not to talk about commitment but ever since then that word has been on my mind.

Commitment is a rare thing. It seems that being fickle almost comes natural.

Jesus addresses the concept of being committed alot in the gospels. There's His whole speech about hating your father and your mother. "Hey guys, you are either fully committed to me, or your not. You can't just dip you toes into the water or wade in the shallow end; you either need to dive in or get out of the pool."

Last night I was reading about when Jesus was sending out the disciples. He tells them they are going to be arrested and beaten and they still go. That's commitment.

I guess when you truly care about someone; you put them first no matter the cost. When you care about someone you are faithful and consistent. There's not a sense of being lukewarm or flighty.

You are either all in or all out. At least that's what Jesus understood a relationship with Him to be about. "There is no 'you love me' one day and 'you are not sure' the next. I'm either all or nothing."

Maybe He's saying something about how we should be in our relationships with others as well.
I tend to not see many things in black and white, except commitment. If I care about something or someone, I will show it by my devotion. If I am fickle, then I am showing how much this something or someone really doesn't matter to me.

I want to be more committed in my relationship with God. I want to be all in no matter what. I want to be more committed in other areas of my life as well.

Path of Least Resistance

2007-11-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those moments? The kind where you knew you were supposed to do something, but you didn't do it? I call them Adams. Why Adams, you ask? After Adam in the book of Genesis.

One of my favorite quotes is, "Nothing in life worth having comes without some kind of fight."I think this quote rings true in my life. Nothing worth having is easy.

The problem is my natural tendency is to take the easy road. I don't know if it's just a male thing or what, but the path of least resistance is often followed.

The problem with the path of least resistance is it leads nowhere.We want the fruits of labor without having to do the labor itself. We want the rewards with out the challenges. The victory without the fight. The good times without the sacrifice.

So why exactly did I throw Adam's name into all of this? Simple. Remember when Eve was tempted by the serpent? Well, where was Adam? Why didn't he step in and help Eve? Why didn't he speak up? Why didn't he do anything?

He watched the whole thing transpire, but did nothing. He was probably scared or thought "I just don't have what it takes." When he should have spoken up, he was silent.

Adam was in this relationship with Eve and yet he didn't want to risk himself in the relationship. He chose the easy way out.

Contrast Adam with Boaz in the book of Ruth. Boaz could have just let Ruth slip through his fingers, because lawfully she belonged to her next of kin after her husband died. But he didn't sit back in his own passivity. He spoke up.

I want to be more like Boaz and less like Adam. I don't want to follow the path of least resistance. I want to risk. I want to speak up. I want to face the obstacles head on.

Everything Happens for a Reason is Not That Comforting

2007-11-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

Looking back on my life, I guess it's easy to see how God has worked. There have been times I have felt like Job, though. There have been times I have doubted what God was up to. To put it bluntly, there have been the questions of, "What the hell are you doing here God?" and "Where are You?" But there have also been times where I have known God would provide. There have been times where I have held tightly onto the idea that He was working despite the fact that I couldn't see Him.

I have had those "everything happens for a reason" moments along with asking those "why" questions too.

I was involved in a discussion after class the other night about the intervening of God in the lives of men. I know, very light subject indeed. Some of us had the idea that God was there, but He wasn't necessarily working in our everyday lives. That He was watching over us, but not playing with us like chess pieces. Some of us had the differing idea that God is very involved in our lives, orchestrating everything down to the smallest detail.I guess I lean more toward the belief that God is present and guiding me in my everyday life. I do believe in free will, though.

I do wrestle with this though. I mean, how do you tell a couple that is unable to bear children that "everything happens for a reason." How do you tell the widow who lost her husband in Iraq that "everything works together for good for those that love the Lord."

I have never been a fan of coincidence or chance. I do believe that there is a purpose for everything. Even though many times I question that purpose. I don't think my life is series of random events. I don't think that the people that I cross paths with simply come into my life (and I into theirs) because of luck.

But there are things that go on that cause me to doubt sometimes. Bad things do happen to good people. So does that mean that God made or allowed the bad things to happen?

Some things I can't explain and I'm okay with that. To me, God operates on a much grader scale than I do. If He has the creativity and intellect to create everything in existence, He should surely be way above my level. And if He is far above me in the way He does things, then there are probably going to be times I don't understand what He's up to.

I am finite, He is infinite. And I'm okay with that.

You First

2007-10-18T14:53:00.001-07:00

Nate is my four year old cousin. I love that kid. He was adopted when he was 6 months old by my aunt and uncle who are in their 50s. Their children, who are like sisters to me, are grown and out of the house. So Nate is the baby of the family. (I used to hold this title until he came along. I am over it now though.) I love hanging out with Nate, probably because I am just a big kid. A big responsible kid who has a job and is in grad school. Lately though, Nate has been being kind of defiant. My aunt and uncle would tell him not to do something, and he would do it anyways, repeatedly. And laugh while he is doing it. Feeling more intellectual than I actually am, I tried to explain to my aunt and uncle the psychological reasoning behind my cousin’s recent behavior changes. (I need to remind myself more often that I am still studying psychology and I do not have all of the answers.)

Let me back track a second. Remember when I said that Nate was the baby of the family? Well let me rephrase that, he used to be. A little less than a year ago my cousin/sister (Nate’s sister) gave birth to her son Noah. So for about a year now, Nate hasn’t been the baby of the family. I explained to my aunt and uncle (as if I am wise or something) that Nate simply wants attention. He was used to being the center of attention because he was the youngest, and now he’s not. Now Noah is the center of attention and Nate will do anything he can to get attention – even if it means disobeying. It almost like Nate thinks he’s in some competition to gain attention. It’s been all about him for 3 ½ years and now he’s coming to understand that things have changed. And he doesn’t like it.

I can identify with Nate’s feelings a little. I mean, in some way we all seek attention. We all want to be noticed. We all want to seen as special in someone else’s eyes.

It seems unfair sometimes, that life is not about me. Life is not about what I want or need or how special I am. If life were about me I would always get what I wanted. I thought about this for awhile: What life would be like if it was all about me?

I would get bored pretty fast. I mean, if I got everything I ever wanted when I wanted it, it would get old. The feeling of anticipation for anything would be gone. Anxiety would never happen. And I think anxiety can be a good thing, if it is in the form of eagerness. It keeps you on your toes. And without being on your toes, you would be a sitting, lazy, dull sack of crap.

So life really can’t be about me, even though sometimes I wish it could. But if it’s not about me, then it has to be about something else of course. As Jesus said, life is about loving God and loving others. Period.

Think about this. God could have made this world into pretty much anything. He could have created a hell on Earth for humans. But He didn’t. He poured Himself into His creation so that we may enjoy it.

As the writer in Psalms says,
“You cause grass to grow for the livestock and plants for people to use.You allow them to produce food from the earth— wine to make them glad, olive oil to soothe their skin, and bread to give them strength.

He gave Himself, just as His son would later give Himself for the sake of others. Unselfishness.

I want to get to a point where I can look at anybody and say, “Life is not about me, it’s about you.” I’m not there yet. I still deal with selfishness on a daily basis. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in my life, trying to sort everything out and trying to arrange for a kind of life that I want to have. But there’s this whole other way of life that God presents. Whoever wants to gain life must first lose it. Die to yourself. His way is something that seems so strange and difficult, but I know during those moments where I am putting others before myself I get a glimpse of peace. When I am living a life not about myself, that’s when I can start to experience this kind of full life that God has in store.

If tell my cousin Nate that life is not about him, I doubt he will understand. “Nate no you cannot get your way. You just are not that important.” This is probably not good for a child’s self esteem. He would grow up with a lot of issues. But I know for myself, I need to be an example of how putting others first is a good way to live.

Stars

2007-10-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

I was out on the beach the other night by myself. Sometimes I kind of like spending a little time alone, just collecting my thoughts. I am in no means anti-social or in the pre-stages of becoming a crazy hermit that lives in a cabin in the woods by myself. But just here lately it seems like those alone times in which I truly connect with God have been few and far between. It's so easy just to get wrapped up in everything going on and everyone around you, but sometimes it can be good just to sit back and rest.

Back to the beach story, so it was night, I was alone, and I was on the beach. The stars seemed unusually bright that night, partially because of the lack of clouds getting in the way. Also, the moon was not out. That's what they call a New moon. (Why 'new' moon? I mean I get 'full' moon but not 'new' moon. They should have used 'no' moon or 'absentee' moon.) Well, I laid back and tried to count the stars. I could not. There were too many. Some were brighter than others; some seemed to be closer together.

I was immediately reminded of the verse. But I had to go look it up later because though I may remember the emphasis of the verse, I am terrible at memorizing.
Psalm 8:3 "I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way?" (The Message)

These things than shine in the night sky, these things that God says He can count each one and give them a name. These wonderful things He views as less important than we are. He can fashion such wonderful and awe inspiring things as stars but He still concerns Himself with us. Why? I know that sometimes I can be so stubborn. I can be selfish. I screw up so many times. I can be rude, unforgiving, and non chivalrous. ( I really hate it when I am non chivalrous.) Right now I am kicking myself because I recently acted like a total jerk to someone. Yet, despite all of our flaws, even though sometimes we don't shine as bright as the stars, God still wants a relationship with us.

Amazing.

I also thought about this while I looked at the stars. Every star had its own place in the night sky. Each one occupied its own territory. Some shined brighter than others. Some were closer together than others. But each one shined. And each one had it's role to play in being apart of the darkened sky. For a moment the stars reminded me of people. Not certain people per se, but just people in general. How we each have our own place in life. (insert cliche/cheesy sentence next) How we each have the ability to shine in our own way. How that even though we are all different individuals, we all are connected. We are all part of some larger story.

And then I thought of those people who live in a state of feeling alone. Those who would like to connect, but just don't know how. Those who feel like they are the dimmest in the sky. I guess these are the people who need to be shone the love of God.

Today

2007-09-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

One of the most favorite people in my life is my grandmother. She is the only living grandparent I have. She is your typical Southern, conservative, set-in-her-ways type of woman. We talk alot mainly because I like to joke around with her. She has a good sense of humor. Also, whenever she has pushed some buttons on her tv remote and screwed it up, she calls me to talk her through getting it back working again.

Besides making chess bars, one of the things my grandmother does best is worrying. She worrys about everything. I would think that the older you get, the less you worry - but not in her case. One of her favorite sayings is, "Nothing good happens after dark." I don't know why she says this. She used to tell me this alot during college because I would always tell her about going out with friends. To me, alot of good things happen after dark, like Christmas caroling. I always ask her when I talk to her what's something new she's worrying about and she always has something new she's losing sleep over.

In the aspect of worrying, my grandmother and I differ very much. I don't really worry over things, or you will never get me to admit that I worry about things. I get concerned about things, but I just don't worry that much over them.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." As Rob Bell would say, "be fully present" wherever you are. This seems like such a foriegn concept soemtimes. There are those that live in the past. There are those that fret over the future. But Jesus says, "Slow down. Pay attention to the now. Don't get worked up over tomorrow or even yesterday. Live in what God is doing today."

I don't think that Jesus was saying that planning for the future is bad. There's nothing wrong with that. But I know the future is ultimately out of my hands and in His. So why should I worry over something that He has taken care of?

Last night we were talking in class about how death can be a motivator to act upon something. Whether it's reconciling a broken relationship, doing something you've always wanted to do, or asking that person out that has recently grabbed your attention; the idea that death could happen at any moment is a motivator to act on these things. This ties into the idea of living in the present- fully living in the present and taking advantage of every breathe you have been given- because we really never know how much longer we will have.

I know this all sounds cliche. "Live everyday to the fullest." But sometimes cliche things are true.

It seems that this whole idea of living for today is important to Jesus. I know for myself, sometimes I get too caught up in things I could've done or what I should've said. Sometimes, even though it's not that often, I get too troubled by what may happen or could take place tomorrow.

But the past is in the past. Learn from it, apologize about it, and move on.

The future is in the future. Plan for it, but realize it's ultimately out of your hands.

Today is today. The moment that God has given us right now is the moment we can use for Him. Today is when we can show others love. Today is when we can love our enemies. Today is when we can become closer to Him.

Having HOPE

2007-09-18T08:06:00.000-07:00

Right now there seems like there is one theme that keeps repeating itself in my life. As if there is one word that God keeps telling me over and over again.

HOPE.

I had the opportunity to talk with a new friend of mine a few weeks ago about some of the things going on in her life. Yes, usually new friends don't talk about personal things early on in their friendship but she thought that maybe I could relate. She was dealing with some issues from her parents divorcing and was just trying to work some things out. One conclusion that we both came to is that what happened in the past does not have to keep affecting your future. The baggage from back then doesn't have to keep you from becomng who you want to be. There is HOPE.

I read an article the other day about the ex-gutarist for the rock band Korn. To make a long story short it was about how he found God, quit the band, and kicked his drug habit. I don't know what it's like to kick a drug habit, but I imagine it's hard. And I know that telling your friends that you no longer want to be apart of their group is hard too. But that's what he did. If you were to look at this guy 10 years ago, God would be the furthest thing from you mind. But God can break through the toughest barriers. Because of that, there is HOPE.

I have read the story of a pornstar who left that industry to pursue a life with God. She has past filled with abuse, shame, and a feeling of being unloved. But that's her past. Yes, her past is real but HOPE is real also.

I have my own issues I have dealt/am dealing with. I'm a work in progress. I am preparing a group presentation for class in which I am portraying a man going to see a therapist about his problems. A friend recently told me I would be good at playing the crazy person. I think she was joking. Well, it was kind of deep because some of the issues that are being dealt with in the presentation are things I have dealt with in my own life. It's been a great opportunity for me just to look back and see how far God has brought me. It's been an opportunity to for me to remember that there is HOPE.

Sure we live in a messed up world. A world where we see such things as poverty and excess, political corruption, religious persecution, human trafficking, terrorism, genocide, disease, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the crisis in Darfur, Republicans attacking Democrats and Democrats attacking Repulicans, abortion, divorce, child molestation and abuse, and the list goes on. It's easy to forget about hope.

And we all have our our things to deal with too; we are all a little messed up in our own ways. We all have those wounds that have been dealt to us, those addictions that we just can't seem to break, those fears of rejection or failure or the past or the future or abandonment in which we live out of. We all have those relationships that have left their mark, those areas in which we seek forgiveness, those things that bring us shame, and those days where nothing seems to go our way. We all need HOPE.

There is HOPE. Hope for something better, hope for tomorrow, hope for things to be made right. We know that things aren't like they are suppossed to be, so we have hope that one day they will be made right. We know that we aren't like we are suppossed to be, so we hope we can become someone more. One thing I know of, one thing that I can say without a single doubt, is that there is HOPE in Him. He is sure, steady, and always true. God is Hope.

"God, the one and only— I'll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life." Psalm 62:5

My Relationships with Roxanne and Jesus

2007-09-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

Let me take you back to eighth grade. Middle school. Ah, those were the days. I was quite a different person back in 8th grade. Inside and out. Straight A's, Academic Decathlon team, 8th grade Science Award. Yeah, that was me. To top it all off, I wore glasses. When you are in middle school and smart and you wear glasses, for some reason you get the label of being a nerd. (I guess being a Star Trek fan was a factor as well.) I was also really skinny. I'm not a huge guy now by any means, but I was like a skeleton back then.

There was this girl in my homeroom. Let's call her Roxanne. Roxanne was great. Smart, funny, pretty, nice, & popular. If you were a boy in the eighth grade, you had a thing for Roxanne. She was just it. Roxanne and I were friends. Not best friends or anything. But because she was a nice girl, she would always talk to me. I had liked girls before Roxanne. Like the girl named Michelle in 1st grade. We would squirt glue on each other. That's how you get a girl's attention in 1st grade, you squirt Elmer's in her eye. Then there was Stacy in 5th grade. She had blonde poofy hair that for some reason I found attractive.

But Roxanne was different for me. I mean, I was in 8th grade so I was practically a grown man and all. There was a Valentine's Day dance coming up and I wanted to ask her to go with me to it. So I made of list of things I had to do so she would go with me. 1. Talk to her. 2. Make her laugh. 3. Wear a gallon of my dad's cologne every day. 4. Buy her the new Boyz II Men cd. I did everything on my list. So I asked her if she wanted to go to the dance, to which she replied, "We are such good friends; I think we should just stay friends." Which really means, "Are you serious? No, I'm too cool for you." My first endeavor into the world of relationships had been crushed by the notorious Friend Zone. I still have bitter feelings toward the Friend Zone.

So what did I do wrong with Roxanne? I did everything on my list. I followed every step exactly. Maybe that was my problem.

I have a relationship with Christ. I'm not dating Christ or anything like that. He's married to the Church. It's hard to explain my relationship with Him. I mean, it's hard to put into words any relationship. Relationships are just something you have to experience, are they not? The definition of relationship, an emotional or other connection between people, really doesn't do that great of a job explaining relationships. As Christians, we like to use the word Evangelism when explaining how we invite others to have a relationship with Christ.

Evangelism is a funny word. You go to most Protestant churches and you will find the phrase, "...to evangelize the lost" in their mission statement. Of course we have all heard of the "Evangelical Church." Basically the term is based on the emphasis of sharing the story of Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection with a non-believer. Witnessing to the 'lost.'

Sometimes the word 'evangelize' bothers me though. Sometimes the word makes me think of negative things. Sometimes when I think of the word 'evanglize', I think of a check list of things you have to do to become a Christian. In our society, we like our steps and our rules. We like guidelines and things we can check off. Sometimes I think the whole idea of 'evangelizing the lost' has been hijacked by a bunch of people who have turned it into some kind of process. Step A. Read this verse. Step B. Say this prayer. Step C. Get dunked underwater by the pastor. It makes it seems so rigid and so cold.

And when telling someone about Christ, evangelizing, I need to ask myself what I am really doing. Am I giving some person a list of steps they have to follow or am I inviting them into a relationship. As I learned with Roxanne, there are no steps in relationships. (You were wondering how I was going to tie that in.) It's not some systematic process. I have met people before who said the knew Jesus was God and they knew His whole story, but they just weren't ready to follow Him yet. The could check off everything on the list, but didn't want to become a Christian. This means it's not just some system. Becoming a Christian is entering into a relationship. Presenting the Gospel of Christ as some sort of list of steps or a type of process to follow is pretty much something a Pharisee would do. And we know that Jesus' way was different from what the Pharisees were doing.

I have never found in the Bible the list of steps you have to take to become a Christian. My Bible doesn't have any checklists in it at all. So where did the "How to Become a Christian" process come from? I don't know. I do know that what I have with Him is a relationship. And like any relationship, there are no checklists...it's simply all about the journey together.

Why I Wanted to Be Bob Barker

2007-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

It’s kind of cool growing up in an entertainment town. Nashville is not as big as L.A. or New York, but there tends to be something happening every night of the week. And it’s usual to run into some celebrity when you are out on the town. And if you don’t run into someone famous, you will probably meet a bunch of people who think they are famous or are trying to become famous. At times, it seems like everyone here is a “musician.” I think 82% of the males in this town between the ages of 18-35 claim to play the guitar.

I wanted to be famous; well i used to.

I thought about becoming an actor. I think I’d be really good. I’d be good at pretending to be someone other than myself. I could get used to making a lot of money. I also wanted to be a TV game show host. I really wanted Bob Barker’s job on The Price is Right. I wanted his 70s style microphone/wand thing. And all of the old ladies who come up on stage and kiss me on the cheek, I mean who wouldn’t want that job?

If I became famous, I’m afraid I would get too wrapped up in myself. Maybe that’s why God hasn’t let it happen. I think most people have a desire to be somebody. I think most people wouldn’t mind being recognized for what they do. We all, in some way, seek the attention of others. We all have our own times when we say, “Look at me. Look how cool I am. Look at how attractive I am. Look at how funny I am. Look at how much higher I am on the social ladder than you.” Most people in some way struggle with vanity.

Honestly, I can’t turn on MTV anymore.

I really just get bothered by everything on there. Cribs. Seriously? If I watch this, I just become envious. I need a sub zero fridge filled to the brim with nothing but Crystal and a garage filled with way too many cars. All of those “reality” shows about beautiful people and their day to day drama. I just really don’t care about who broke up with who. I can’t even get a date myself, why would I care about somebody’s love life who lives in a house with 7 strangers? It seems like nothing but a bunch of people promoting themselves and telling me if I want to achieve a higher status I need to live like they are living.

Self promotion. It’s the idea of me showing others how great I am. You know, all of my writings, in all honesty I give credit to God. And if anything positive is taken from them I truly believe its God’s doing and not my own. But at the same time there is something in me that wants people’s attention. There is something in me that wants the approval of others.

It’s a struggle. Constantly.

I always have to evaluate my motives because I don’t want to get too caught up in “how great I am.”

And there’s this idea that if you don’t have this certain product, or you don’t look like this certain person, or that you don’t make this amount of money…well then you just are not that important. And most of us fall for it because we want to be important.

I like what John the Baptist said about Jesus. “He must become more important. I must become less important.” He had the right idea.

It’s about Him.

It’s not about me. It’s not about how great I am. It’s not about how good I look. It’s not about how much money I have. It’s not about how well I can sing or play the guitar. It’s not about how well I can write or how many things I can get published. It’s all vanity and it all leads to nowhere.
I want to decrease more often, so He can increase more often.

Christian Nudists

2007-08-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

I find the stroy of Adam and Eve pretty fascinating. There only being two people on Earth. No one else. No bosses to watch over you at work. No bad drivers on the road. The activity of people-watching (which is a favorite of mine) hadn't been invented yet. Imagine living here with just your significant other. Soulmates. I doubt jealousy was that big of a deal in their relationship. I mean, really who else was there for your mate to talk to? To top it all off, they're naked. In the buff. Letting it all hang out. It wasn't dirty or sinful. Pure. Without shame. No embarassment. Just, "This is me and this is you. We are naked and unashamed."

(Actually this reminds me of an amusing article I read the other week about Christian nudists.)

I wear clothes sometimes. I mean, usually I have to. I probably wouldn't have a job if I didn't. This leads me to the question, why do we wear clothes? Forget the aspect of sexuality and lust. Why do we really wear clothes?

Most of us have things we don't like about our body. Let's be honest. I work out 4 days a week, but I don't think of myself as having this perfect physique. We are self conscience beings who want to hide our flaws. That's why we wear clothes. Who determines exactly what flaws are, though? Who says that looking a certain way is desirable?

Who tells me how to be me?

That's the main question I am getting at. Who tells me that in order for me to be acceptable I have to act this way or dress this way?

Anytime I give someone the ability to determine who Matt is, I give them authority that is not theirs. My senior research paper in college was on the negative effects of advertising. Chiseled faces, six-pack abs, big boobs, and a model like bodies apparently sell products. They also sell us lies. They say, "This image is the standard. This is what you should wear. This is how you should act. This is what you should look like." And we fall for the trap. We give someone else the ability to define who we are.

And it's not just physical things. We have all adjusted who we are to impress someone at some point in our lives. Most guys will do it at some point for some girl and most girls will do it at some point for some guy. I have tried to adjust my personality at some point to try to impress a girl. It didn't work. It never does. I once knew a girl who dated a friend of mine and she agreed with everything he said. She didn't have any opinions of her own. This really annoyed me.

Adam never had GQ magazine to tell him how to look. Eve never had an image of a Playboy model to live up to. So what or who defined them? Adam couldn't define Eve because she was the only woman he had ever met. She was his standard for womanhood. And he was hers for manhood. So how were they defined?

God defined Adam and Eve. He created them in His image. He determined their true identity. He instilled in them the standard to live up to. No one else. Just Him. Eugene Peterson translates it best in The Message when he says, "God spoke: 'Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature' ...God created human beings; he created them godlike, reflecting God's nature."

I was created to reflect Him. I wasn't created to reflect the image that's on front of a magazine. I wasn't created to reflect a different personality than the one He uniquely gave me. I was created so that He could define my life. I want to stop having standards for others. I don't want to think that for someone to be higher on my own list of importance they have to look a certain way or act a certain way or even make a certain amount of money. (This is not to say physical attraction is not important. God gave us physical attraction to others for a reason. But physical attraction is from God and not outside things telling you what is beauty and what is not.) I want to see the reflection of God in others.

Naked and unashamed they were. Because God defined Adam and He defined Eve.

Seeking Counsel

2007-08-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

I began grad school the other day. A new chapter in my life. A chapter that I have wanted to start for the past year and a half. Now it is actually happening.

It was around 1 1/2 years ago when i felt like I heard God telling me to pursue this path of counseling. It wasn't like I awoke one morning to His thunderous voice telling me to pursue a career of helping people work through their problems. A friend would toss out a random comment like, " Hey, you'd be a great counselor." Family members would ask me for advice on problems they were dealing with. And as these things were happening, a interest inside me began to grow for this pursuit. I remember one day looking through a bunch of writings of mine and I realized that alot of them had to do with getting over problems and issues in my own life and what I have learned from them.

So I knew counseling was the path, but I had no idea where to begin. I knew I would have to go back to school, but I didn't know where. Now, let me say something. I wasn't exactly the model student during my undergrad years. I didn't fail any courses or anything. My grades were just average. I think I was more concerned with the social aspects of college. I guess I have changed alot since then. I like to read, and write, and learn, and think. And now that I have no social life, I will have alot more time to study. (okay. I have a social life, but it's not so great that it will cause me to study less.)

It was basically a series of God shutting and opening the right doors that lead me back to my undergrad university for grad school. Back when I decided I wanted to pursue counseling, my college didn't even have a graduate program in professional counseling. While trying to figure out where to go to school, they announced they were starting a program.

He provides.

And looking back now I can see how He has guided me to this new chapter over the last ten years. With all of the messed up things that came along with my parents divorcing, it's just a reminder to me that He can bring good things out of negative situations. He can bring life to the broken. He's in the redeeming business.

So that's where I am. I am actually looking forward to learning all of these new things. I'm not jumping-on-the-bed excited or anything, but I am looking forward to it. The other people in the class seem interesting too. Being around good people is always a plus.

I'm ready for this chapter. At least, I think I'm ready. He is good.

The Realness Of Being Fake

2007-08-13T14:30:00.001-07:00

I read an article the other day. The article was about young adults who grew up going to church, but now they are in their 20s and they don’t go anymore. Catchy, right? The article went further than just saying that a bunch of twentysomethings are leaving the church. It said that a bunch of twentysomethings are leaving their faith.

I liked the article. I am not saying that I like the fact that many people my age are choosing not to have faith in God. I like that the article was written.

I am a twentysomething myself. Twenty-five, actually. So I am exactly a mid-twentysomething. I can relate to many things that were said in the article by the twentysomethings who no longer have faith in God. I mean, I still have faith and all, but I understand how they feel.

Mainly the article equates that the absence of faith in these young adults is due to a lack of discipleship in many churches. Other factors are explained such as: The Church is very good at instructing children and teenagers on what the right answers are, but does little to engage on applying the answers to everyday life.

Still, sometimes today I get tired of going to church. I grew up in the Bible Belt. I grew up going to a traditional, southern, conservative church. I know all about church. I love the Church as a whole. I love the sense of community and family that it promotes. But as I said earlier, sometimes I get tired of going to church.

In the article, a girl is interviewed about how she grew up in a Christian home (just like myself), she was very involved in her youth group (just like myself), and she attended a Christian club at her high school (I helped start one at my school). And to sum up the rest of her story, she lost her faith because due to a lack of fellowship with other believers after she moved. I have been there. Feeling disconnected. Sometimes it feels like I am there now. It’s hard not to feel disconnected when you are the only single guy in a couples Bible study class.

I feel I can read people pretty well. I am not saying that people are easy to understand. People are quite difficult. Christians are the hardest people to read though. There is not that much transparency in the Church. I know this because I am a Christian and being transparent is one thing I struggle the most with. I think this whole transparency issue, a lack of authenticity, is what caused me to stray away from the Church for a few years. I grew up seeing people put on their Sunday Church masks and I grew up learning how to put on my own. I grew up learning the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, but I never learned why. I grew up being taught that the Church was supposed to be a community of believers experiencing life together (not just on Sundays), but I didn’t have that many people disciple me Monday thru Saturday.

To be honest, that’s one thing that still bothers me. When church gets to be about how many people we can get in the seats, or how many people can we get saved/baptized, or how many hands we can shake on Sunday mornings. (Honestly, I get annoyed by those hand-shakers who shake my hand every Sunday, but don’t even know my name.) When I look at the New Testament church, I see a family. People eating with each other, people encouraging each other during difficult times, people being REAL with each other. No masks of self-righteousness. No fakers. No phonies. Okay, maybe there were some churches that dealt with self-righteousness, but that’s not what church was intended to be.

Deep down, my desire is to just be real. I want to be the same on Sunday as I am on Friday night. I don’t want to pretend to be more spiritual than I am, or pretend like I have all the answers. I don’t want to pretend like everything is going great, when I feel just like giving up. I want to be transparent. I want to go to Bible Studies and Sunday school classes where I can wrestle over issues with others instead of another teacher telling me what’s right and what’s wrong. I want engagement. I want to engage.

I wanted to share this story from my high school years. I went through 3 youth pastors when I was a teenager. I remember when my parents split up that the youth pastor at that time didn’t even talk with me about it. I don’t have some grudge against him or anything. I am just stating that I felt overlooked. There was no connection, no engagement, and it really affected me negatively for awhile. There are so many people in the Church who are hurting and yet most of the time no one even knows about it. I’m not saying that pastors should deeply engage everyone. We would need many more pastors. I am saying that maybe I could help others if I took off my mask a little more and invested in others outside of church. Maybe we could all be a little more real. Then we wouldn’t be afraid to let down our guard and invest in each other any day of the week.

Christian Bowling (How I Created My Own Christian Bubble)

2007-08-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

"Christian Bowling." I think I cringed a little bit last week when I heard the announcement at church about forming a team for a Christian bowling league. What exactly is Christian Bowling, was my first thought. Is it it like regular bowling, except with an added prayer before each roll of the ball? Instead of Rock and Roll playing on the jukebox, are there hymns belted out by a choir?

But in all seriousness, what makes Christian bowling...Christian?

I have no answer.

I know I don't like the thought of a Christian bowling league. To me, a Christian bowling league says, "We think we are too good to be in a regular bowling league, so we will form our own." I guess this shouldn't surprise me, though. We as Christians have been forming our own little 'Bubbles' for years. We have our Christian schools, our Christian colleges (which I even attened), our Christian music , our Christian radio stations, our Christian books, Christian tv stations, and even our "Christian" political leaders. (I thought the quotation marks around Christian were needed when talking about politicians.) It seems sometimes that we are more exclusive when we should be more inclusive. But I am not going to go off on a tangent here. I want to share about my own little bubble.

I know I have shared this before, but I wasn't too concerned with God for a few years during college. I mean I believed in God and all, but I was more concerned with what I wanted rather than what He wanted. I loved God, but He wasn't high on my priority list. Around the end of my college years, my priorities started to change. I started to change. God became more and more a priority in my life. I wanted to follow Him more and more. And with any change, you have to figure out what to do with the past?

I created my own Christian bubble. I guess because I had this past, and now I didn't want to be associated with anything from it. This includes people. I stopped hanging around with old friends. It's not that my old friends weren't Christian; they just were Christian enough. (whatever that means)

I am at a different place now, outside of the Christian bubble I created. I have found I can breathe easier out here. I don't have thoughts like, "Oh I can't go to a party because there will be drunk people there and I can't associate myself with that." I don't think, "I can't be friends with these people because they are not spiritual enough." I really don't care if other people see me hanging out in a non-Christian environment. As a friend recently wrote to me, "That's why I have found it so easy to enjoy the company of unbelievers...they know they are messed up and don't try to hide it...they are more real than we are...they don't flaunt being "more spiritual."

It's funny because I feel that for most Christians I am either too Christian or not Christian enough. (again, whatever that means.) I know that some Christians judge me because I don't think alcohol, dancing, and wearing jeans to church are sins. And on the other hand, some judge me because I am actually not afraid to say I love Jesus and I want Him to be my first priority.

I know I don't want to be in a Christian bubble again. I know I don't want to seperate myself from the rest of the world.

I just want to be more like Jesus.

I want to go places that the religious folk don't think I should go. And be friends with the people the religious folk say I shouldn't hang around. But I still want to be known as a man after God's own heart.

In the world, but not of it. Just like Jesus.

I want to be a follower of Christ in just a regular bowling league.

Trusting

2007-07-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

Most of the time when I write one of these things it’s for the purpose of sharing something I have learned from my own experiences. I have experienced a lot and God has taught me so many things through my own past. This is not one of those pieces. This is not something from my past or something that God has taught me. This is something current. This is something fresh and real to me. It’s easier to talk about the past. This is a little more difficult because it is something I am going through right at this moment. It’s funny how that works. For me to talk about a present struggle, I am admitting that I don’t have every thing figured out. I don’t have all of the answers. And admitting that I mess things up all the time puts me in a vulnerable position, but it’s a real one. How many of us actually like to admit to out own sin? Whenever I read other Christian writers I always have the impression that they are some sort of spiritual giants without their own mistakes. I always think of those people as really godly and pretty much without sin. Recently, I have tried to do away with the labels within Christianity. There aren’t spiritual giants and spiritual weaklings. There are only people. Real people with real mistakes and real triumphs.

Well, I guess I should move onto my current struggle. It’s trust. I know I have admitted before that it is easier for me to trust God than it is to trust people. People are faulty and they do eventually let you down. But the truth is, sometimes I don’t trust God. We were reading about trusting God today in church and all of this just hit me. We were actually reading about delighting in God. You know the verse, “Take delight in God and He will give you your hearts desires.” The whole passage is in Psalm 37 if you want to look it up. But it also talks about trusting in God. After we talked a little about trusting in God to provide, that’s when I started thinking. I don’t trust God that much.

Like I said, it is really hard for me to trust people. People have let me down many times and I guess it has just affected me. I don’t want to be like this. It’s something that has gotten better over the past year, but I still have some trust issues. And it seems like when I start to let those walls down, the trust is broken and I am right back where I started. But I am far better about this than I was, I promise. Trusting God. Sometimes it’s just hard for me to actually trust Him. I mean, it sounds good and like the right Christian thing to say. “I trust God.” But how many of us actually do?

Do I actually trust God that He will provide for me? Do I trust that God will take care of certain situations? Do I trust that God in going back to get my masters? Will He provide a counseling job for me when I get out of school? Do I trust God in pursuing relationships? Do I actually trust that one day He will guide me to the woman He wants me to marry? We all have our own questions. I know sometimes I try to work things out myself. Sometimes I just feel that God is too busy to handle my problems, so I shouldn’t trust Him to take care of them. He’s got other kids who are way more important to Him than me. I mean seriously. I come from a broken home, I probably have failed for Him more times than I have succeeded, and I don’t read my Bible everyday. Sometimes I don’t consider myself to be high on God’s priority list so why should I just trust Him.

I know what the Bible says about trusting God. I know that He says He will never abandon me. I know that He says He knows my name. I know that God says He upholds me with His hand. I know that He says He will take care of me. I know all of these things, but sometimes I just don’t live like I believe they are true. The thing is, deep down, I know they are true. In my soul, I know that God loves me and will take care of me. That’s the hard part about living a life for Him, there is a difference in knowing things and actually living things. To live my life trusting in Him is hard. I am so used to having my own back and trying to arrange things for my own life. But I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to actually trust Him with every aspect of my life. As far as the trusting other people issue, I’m sure He’ll work with me on that…

Child of Divorce

2007-07-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

“Hi. My name is Matt and my parents are divorced.” No, I am not in some support group for people who come from broken homes. Maybe I ought to be though. I was 15 when my parents divorced. I always read things about children who think it is their fault that their parents divorced. I never thought it was my fault. I never asked, “Did Daddy leave because of me?” That blaming myself thing never happened to me. That’s not to say my parent’s divorce didn’t affect me. It did. It took me awhile to figure out how it affected me. For awhile, I didn’t even know that it did. There are probably still some hidden issues that it caused in my life, but I think I have found most of them and dealt with them.

I know at first I doubted the whole area of relationships. Can healthy loving relationships actually be real or are they something you only read about? (Personally, I have never read about any of those. I mean, there are those fairy tales and all…but they are make believe.) I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day about conflict in relationships. He actually said that conflict is what keeps the relationship interesting. Maybe I should rephrase that. Differences are what keep the relationship interesting. If you agree on everything then it gets boring pretty fast. I listened to Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz) talk about the elements of story the other day. He also said that conflict is what keeps a story interesting. Without conflict in a story we are left with something like, “Bob went to the beach. The weather was nice. He ate a good lunch. He played a game of volleyball. It ended in a tie.” See, no conflict or struggle or differences equals boring. I used to have this tendency to shy away from conflict in a relationship. Probably stemming from my parents divorce. I guess I thought that a conflict would lead to an ending of the relationship as it did with my parents. Now I know that there are always going to be differences in any relationship. Come on, you are two completely unique individuals becoming one…that is bound to cause conflict. I guess the main thing is working through the differences. A healthy relationship is not agreeing all the time or being exactly the same; it’s working together despite the differences.

I remember reading an article in a Christian magazine a few years ago. It was on dealing with being a child of divorce and how that affects your own relationships in your adult years. I knew it to be true. My parents divorce did affect my future relationships in a negative way. Thankfully, I realized this during college and with God’s help have been getting over the issues. I guess the main thing I dealt with is a fear of rejection. You know, pushing others away before they had a chance to reject me…this way at least I felt in control. But I wasn’t in control. The fear was in control. And once I realized that I didn’t want to live out of this fear, I had to come to terms that to pursue a relationship meant risk. Risk making mistakes, risk to be rejected. My favorite quote is this…"Nothing in life worth having comes without some kind of fight." (Bruce Cockburn) I believe that we can substitute the word risk in for fight and it still be true. Nothing in life worth having comes without some kind of risk.

There have been more things I have had to deal with over the years. Being too independent is one. Going through my parents divorce left me with this attitude that I will not need anyone because they will eventually let me down. The only problem with this is that when you don’t need anyone, no one needs you. Yes, being independent can be good in some instances. But God designed me to desire relationship. Independence and relationship seem to work against each other. One more thing I have had to deal with is handling with the flaws of others. I am not sure if this has developed from being a child of divorce or not. Probably so. Probably something like, “I have always been quick to point out the faults in potential relationship partners because this way I would have an excuse not to get close to them,” or something to that affect. I’ll have to research this more while I am studying counseling. But yeah, making excuses and pointing out dumb flaws is another thing. I guess that could fall under the fear of rejection category. Pushing others away before they got too close. I heard this somewhere before, probably a movie, but I like it. “There are always a million reasons not to do something.” I can always make excuses. But I know I don’t want to make excuses anymore.

Well, that’s a peek into what it’s like being a child of divorce. If you’re not one of us, you probably will come across one of us. And if you do, remember these things because children of divorce mostly have the same issues. Don’t think that we are messed up because we all are kinda jacked up in our own ways. If you can relate to the things I have said, I hope you have talked to someone about these things. You cannot get through them on your own. That’s all for now…

His Story, My Story, Your Story

2007-07-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

I read a story today about a man I go to church with. I don't know him personally; I know who he is and I know his children and all. It was a good story, good enough to get me thinking and writing. Well, there was an article written about him and his wife because they opened up a thrift store. Their thrift store donates its profits to missionaries. That's not the part of the article that I enjoyed though. The part I liked was about the man. He said he had been a wild man for many years, addicted to marijuana and alcohol. He said he and his wife had separated about three years ago. He said he had his own battles that he was living in. The article then goes onto say that one night he prayed for help, and Jesus answered. Since then he and his wife have reconciled, and he is fully committed to following Him.

I absolutely love peoples' stories. I love hearing about God transforming lives and peoples' encounters with Him. To me, this is a central part of the Gospel. You see, I grew up with this belief that the Gospel is some list of things you have to do or believe to get to Heaven. And in a sense, maybe some of that is true. But the Gospel is so much more than that. One thing that I have learned is that we are all broken. We are all in the same boat. There are not groups of people who are super-spiritual and those who are not. We all have our own battles and pain that we have to deal with. We all have our own addictions that we need saving from.

When I look at Jesus, when I read His message, I hear this, "Okay, you can try to do life without me, but it's not going to work out that great. You will be in pain. You will be lost. You will be enslaved. You will only find despair. Have a relationship with me. I will show you a better way, My way. I will heal your pain. I will guide you when you feel lost. I will set you free from sin and from the Law. I will give you hope. I will be because I Am." He is about changing lives. He is about restoring souls to the glory they we're meant to have.

You see, somewhere down the line becoming a follower of Christ got a bad rap. Holy Rollers, Bible Thumpers and Conservative Evangelicals are the terms thrown out there. Somewhere down the line His message was watered down where we could just go to church and follow certain guidelines (only when we felt like it). Sometimes we live like we don't even know who He is, then just go to church on Sunday morning like everything is okay. Sometimes we like to call ourselves His children, but we really could care less about actually following Him with our lives. I say this as someone who has lived this way before. I say this with true concern and love. This is not what following Him is about.

I too have my own story of how He healed my soul. I have my own story of how He impacted my life. I have my own story to share. I believe our personal stories can have a greater impact on the world than some list of guidelines. Yes, things in the Bible are important but they seem so rigid when they are not used personally. And when I tell my story or when the man at my church tells his story, we do it because we're saying that this can happen in anyone's life too. He is greater than any sin I have in the past. He is greater than any wound that was dealt to me. He is greater than any doubt or fear I have. He is better than any addiction that enslaves me. He is all this and more, and He waits for each of us to come to the realization that we can't do life without Him. We were never meant to live away from our Father. He wants to be apart of our story.

Random Thoughts on Dating

2007-06-28T14:51:00.001-07:00

So my Bible Study class at church is weird. I know that’s an awkward way to start this out, but it’s true. The class is weird. It’s not that the people in the class are weird. They aren’t. They are pretty normal; as normal as anyone else is anyways. I mean normal in the sense of they have jobs and are married and all. That last part, the thing about all of them being married, I guess that’s what makes the class weird. “Wait Matt, you’re not married so why are you in the class?” And that is certainly a great question, and I guess me being the single guy in a couples class is what makes the class weird. From my standpoint, I bring something different to the class. It’s great for me, I think, because I get to learn from all of these married people. You know, if you want to learn about something that you have never experienced, it is best to learn from those who have. Also, whenever I need relationship advice, which is not often, I have a bunch of married guys to talk to. (I say not often not in the sense of I am a pro in the relationship area, but as in I have no need for advice because of my lack of being in a relationship.) I wouldn’t ask a single friend about relationship advice because that’s like letting a blind person drive you around town – a wreck is bound to follow and soon. The Bible says a wise man seeks the counsel of others. I think this verse can be applied to relationship counsel. I have learned a lot from my friends, but also God has taught me a lot during my time spent in singleness. It’s amazing how much you can learn when you examine something from afar off. But then again, I have also learned things from the relationships in my past as well.

One thing I have learned about relationships is that it’s best when they are intentional. I know that sounds weird and all, but give me a sec. When I say intentional, I don’t mean that I am going to go up to a girl and say “Hi. We are dating now. 4 months from today I will propose and exactly 3 months from then we will be married.” That’s the kind of talk that would creep a woman out. Intentional dating is having some sort of plan, but also not having it all planned out. I guess it’s not casual. I am not a fan of casual dating, though I used to be. Most of the time someone gets attached and feelings get hurt…that’s why I can’t support casual dating anymore. Usually dating is something like, “Hey, we are going to be together until something better comes along or I get bored.” To me, this kind of dating isn’t all that great either. I don’t think Jesus would lend his support to regular dating. I guess I don’t have some set definition for intentional dating, but I know what it is not. It is not casual and it’s not selfish. It is not avoiding a DTR, defining the relationship, conversation.

I used to fear the DTR, now I think it is essential. When there’s not one, someone is always left wondering where they stand because the communication is not clear. I think the defining should rest on the shoulders of the man. Being a man, I gotta step up and lead.

I’m not that old fashioned when it comes to roles in relationships or anything. I mean, I typically don’t think that a woman’s place is cooking, cleaning, and popping out babies. I do think men need to be the initiators when it comes to relationships. In Proverbs it says that a man who finds a wife finds what is good. The guy is the one finding. He’s the one initiating. He’s the one pursuing. Why? Because a good woman has worth. Things of worth don’t just fall into your lap. Every other Friday money just doesn’t magically appear in my bank account without me doing anything to earn it. I have to work for it. So ladies, if I had to say something to you it would be that it’s okay – even good – to be a little hard to get. Don’t go all into playing head games with the guy, but ladies you are worth something so let him show you what he’s willing to do to have something of worth. A good and godly man will want to show a woman he is interested in that she is valuable to him.

One more thing on my mind. I used to have this mindset that there were things I had to get accomplished before I wanted to be married. Like be out of school, financially stable, and such. My thoughts have changed recently. I said before that it would great to save money while you are single that way you could bring something into a marriage, and I think this is true. You know, right now I could say that I want to get finished with grad school and be stable as a counselor before I am married, but I am not going to say that. After I accomplished those things I would probably come up with another list of things I thought I had to get out of the way. Sure if I was finished with school and very successful, pursuing a marriage would be easier. But there are always going to be things to overcome in every relationship, no matter how long you are in life. Fact is, I can always come up with tons of reasons not to do something; I can always make excuses. And I think one big thing in relationships is learning to get through things together.

That’s really all of the thoughts I have for now and feel free to disagree. Live blessed and walk in love…

Singled Out (yes, this is a cheesy title off an old game show...really this is about being single.)

2007-06-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

You want to know something personal about me? I want to get married and have a family one day. It’s something I really want. I want to have a wife to take care of and provide for. I want children who I can play with and be there for. That’s just how God made me. It is a desire He set inside my heart. But what if this doesn’t come true? What if I never get married and I never have any children? What if I am single my whole life? Can I cope with that? Will my life still have any meaning? Can I still be happy?

I remember talking to an exgirlfriend of mine about these issues about 4 years or so ago. (Funny thing, we were actually exes then and we were talking about these things. So for all of you out there, you can actually be friends with someone you used to date. You don’t have to be on bad terms.) She told me that since these desires to have a wife and kids came from God, then He would be sure to carry them out. I think this is true because my desires aren’t selfish or anything. I don’t think He answers all of our desires though. If I desired a Bentley, God wouldn’t give it to me just because I desired it. But unselfish and honorable desires, I believe He likes those. But I am not God. I cannot say what He will do. And most of all I can’t make Him do anything. He’s not a genie in a magic lamp who I pray to and He grants me wishes. He’s God; and for Him to be God- well He has to be able to do whatever He sees fit. So I have to wrestle with the possibility that I could be single for the rest of my life.

I know people that would say their biggest fear is to be single for the rest of their life. How do they handle this fear? Either A) They fall too early too soon for someone because they just want to be in a relationship and they don’t care who it’s with. B) They jump from relationship to relationship just trying to avoid anytime being single. They identify their worth on whether they are with someone (marriage is not the major league and singles the minor league.) C) They are in some dead end relationship with someone they shouldn’t be with but they lack the courage to end it. To me, if I can’t be single and at peace about it, then I am saying that my happiness is not based on Him. If my fear is being single for the rest of my life, then I am saying that He is not enough.

So right now I am single. What am I supposed to do while I am in this time during my life? Well, since I would like to have a family one day I probably should prepare myself for one. Take responsibility, be a man, don’t do stupid boyish things. I think one of the best things for someone to do who wants a family but is single is to start financially preparing. You know, I am probably not going to give a dowry to my wife’s father but I do want to bring financial stability to my wife. I don’t want to be up to my ears in debt and have no way of earning an income. It would be awesome if one day I could say to the woman I marry, “Before we met I started spending responsibly and saving so that now I can buy us this house.” Another thing a single person can do while they are single is to get a plan for your life. What do you want to do? Me, I have figured that God wants me to become a counselor, so I am pursuing that. When you have a plan, you actually bring something to a relationship. Ladies correct me if I am wrong, but it is not attractive for a guy to just be clueless on his future. I am not saying that single people need to have their whole life planned out, but seek out a direction in which you think He wants you to go and go after it. Being single is not a time to just sit around and be wasted. Relationships, particulary marriage, are for men and not for boys, and for women not for girls. So grow up.

Being single is not a bad thing. There is so much you can accomplish for Him that married people just can’t do. On the other hand, marriage is also a good thing. I don’t know how long God will allow me to be single. It’s up to Him. I am not just sitting around waiting for Him to drop a wife in my lap. Proverbs says that a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Finds means that the man actually has to be looking for a wife. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that I should just be jumping from girl to girl either. The whole idea of pursuing is a whole piece in itself. But for my single folks, if you believe God has marriage in your future start preparing for it. And for my people who are dating, make sure you are dating for the right reasons. Don’t be afraid of being single. If you have been with him or her for a year and you’re not sure if they are the one, get out of the relationship. Well I guess that’s all for now. Live blessed and walk in love…

All About Relationships (Dating and Following Christ)

2007-06-14T03:46:00.000-07:00

I have been reading alot about relationships recently. Relationships have been at the forefront of my mind a lot. I have had many talks about relationships with people recently. Why? It’s just one of those things in life that interest me. If I could choose one word to sum up everything about life, it would be relationships. Relationship with God, relationships with others, relationship with yourself; these are the things life revolves around right? These are the things that can send us to the mountaintops as well as the valleys. As Jesus said, the most important things are loving God and loving others as you love yourself. I have learned a lot from my relationships. They have each played a role in shaping me. Right now I just want to focus on man and woman relationships, more specifically dating and such.

There are tons of terms out there having to do with a relationship between a man and a woman. Courting, Dating, a mixture of the two is Dorting (no joke), Casual Dating, ‘Hanging Out’, Hooking Up, Friends with Benefits, and there are probably some more I am leaving out. Because this following Jesus thing is a lifestyle, it’s gonna influence all areas of my life including my opposite sex relationships. If I am taking my relationship with Him seriously, then how I ‘date’ or ‘court’ or ‘whatever’ will be influenced by Him.

So what exactly does this mean following Christ and dating? How does my relationship with Him influence my relationship with her…or him if you are a girl? There are so many ideas floating around out there in the Christian sub culture about these issues. There are numerous books on How to Date like Jesus (exaggeration), and Courting is of God and Dating is of the Devil. I do believe that the Bible does have great advice when it comes to ‘dating’, but I don’t think there is a list of guidelines you have to follow. I do not plan on giving my future father-in-law 20 camels and some sheep in exchange for his daughters hand in marriage. I am not planning on pulling an Isaac and choosing a wife because she gave some water to my servant and my camels.

I think dating or whatever you want to call it means investing in a relationship. I don’t think God created relationships so we could take them casually. And I’m just gonna go ahead and say it, I don’t think God is a fan of hooking up or anything of that sort. I remember reading a few years ago what Jesus said about lust and it totally changed my life. He said that if you even have lust in your mind, you have already committed adultery in your heart. So the question isn’t how far is too far with a member of the opposite sex. Is 2^nd or 3^rd base the stopping point? The question is how can I follow Christ more in this relationship. I plan on talking more on lust in a different piece.

One thing that troubles me with relationships is when I see others who expect for a relationship to complete them. It’s just untrue. How can some faulty person complete another faulty person? Here’s another one: why do so many relationships end because one person just lost interest in the other one. Everyone is interesting; I think it has more to do with getting what we want out of someone else. I have a lot of more ideas and topics I want to write about regarding relationships, but I will save them for a later date.

Remembering

2007-06-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about getting a tattoo. This is not a recent thought or something I am doing out on a whim. I have been kicking around this idea for well over a year now. They say that if you want a tattoo you should think about it for awhile before you get one. And if after awhile you still want it, then go ahead and get it because it’s not something you will regret. That’s just what ‘they’ say. Some of you may say, “Matt, I never knew you were the tattoo type.” To which I would reply, “There’s a tattoo type?” Or other, slightly more conservative folk like my grandmother, would say, “But tattoos are of the Devil.” I would probably ignore you if you said that though because sometimes I get tired of arguing. What thing do I want permanently inked onto my skin? Something simple. Just words, no pictures. I don’t want a flaming skull across my chest or anything. It wouldn’t match my life. I am thinking a Bible verse actually. Not a whole verse, but just the book, chapter and verse number. Isaiah 6:8. It’s kinda a reminder to me to be willing to do whatever God wants of me.

I think reminders are good to have. I know I especially need reminders because I have learned recently that I am very forgetful. (So if we cross paths sometime and I don’t remember your name, let me apologize. I’ll try to play it off like I remember, but I seriously am very forgetful.) I think reminders about God are important. I think we all need to be reminded who He is, and about His love, and who we are in Him. Why do we need reminders of these things? Because so often we forget.

I know there have been many times where I have forgotten whose I am. I have forgotten who I represent. I have forgotten who He is. It’s so easy just to get caught up in something; whether it’s a job, school, yourself, another person, the culture, and even playing religion. It is so easy just to lose focus. Notice I said playing religion. I imagine many TV evangelists face times where they forget about authenticity and take on the roles of performing a show. It’s easy to put on my Jesus outfit (not a literal outfit) on Sundays, but it’s hard to remember to put it on everyday. Though He is with us always, many times we forget that our lives should reflect this always.

And that’s the thing when you claim to follow Him, you bring Him with you everywhere you go. Whether you are doing what He says to do or not, He still there with you. We can’t change that He is there. We can change how others view Him based on how we represent Him. They can either be turned off or turned on. Everyone knows I believe in gray areas when it comes to faith, but these things are black and white. I’m either doing what the Bible says or I am just not that serious about following Him. Either I am fleeing from lust or I am an adulterer (remember when Jesus says that even our thoughts can make us adulterers. So it has means more than just pre-martial sex.).

I guess the main thought of all of this is that I want to remember more often that I belong to God. That He is not something I can just put on whenever I feel like it. And if I really am taking my relationship with Him seriously, then I will actually do what He says to do. It’s really a simple idea, but often times I know I let it slip my mind. Simply living as He wants me to live, everyday, no matter where I am or who I am with. Doing what He says when I am out with friends on a Friday night. Doing what He says when I find myself alone with my girlfriend (I have no girlfriend, but if I did this would apply.) Doing what He says when I think no one else is watching. Doing what He says when it seems no one else is. Doing what He says and not adding to that my own created list of religious practices (I don’t have to abstain from alcohol; I just don’t need to get drunk.) Well I think that sums it all up. Walk in love…

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

2007-05-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

“He’s just going to use it to get drunk.” That’s what I told myself when I saw a homeless man last week. There I was making my way through downtown, in my moderately nice vehicle on my way to an enjoyable evening of spending time with friends, cooking out (well technically it was cooking in. The grill was broken and George Foreman was used as a substitute. And on a side note. George Foreman is a genius. The world of indoor grilling was totally transformed when he stepped on the scene.). Here I am, stopped at a red light and I see this man. A little dirty, hasn’t shaved in a while and he has a sign. ANY BIT WILL HELP. GOD BLESS. I tried not to make eye contact with him at first, fearing that if our eyes met I would immediately feel guilty. I was only about 20 feet away from him, but I refused to make contact. I just kept my eyes looking straight ahead, even though I could sense that his eyes were locked onto me. Then the thought came up, “Don’t pay him any attention. Just ignore him. If you give him any money he will just go get drunk.”

I’ve been in this situation many times before. This is not the first homeless man that my path has crossed. There have been some I have ignored. Some I gave money to. Some I have talked with. Some I have bought food for. But no matter what I have done, that first thought to just ignore has almost always happened. Maybe I’m just an unsympathetic sinner?

I don’t consider myself that materialistic. I mean, I have some nice things, but I try not to let those things consume me or define me. I think I would be able to adapt pretty well if I was in some place where my things were stripped away from me, say like living in a hut in a village in Africa. I wouldn’t miss my SUV or my cell phone. But here’s this guy, out on a Saturday evening begging for money. Maybe he’s a drunkard, maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s just down on his luck, maybe he hasn’t been given the same opportunities I have. The fact is I have more than him. I have more stuff and that’s why I was sitting in my car listening to my ipod and he was on the street corner. Sure I can talk myself into ignoring him; I can rationalize myself to not be concerned with this man. I can subscribe to the idea that because I have more things than this man, then I am more important than he is. I could go that route.

But that’s not apart of following Christ. This lifestyle that I am trying to pursue, being after God’s own heart, well it tells me that I can’t ignore. That I can believe the idea that my stuff defines my worth. That I can’t believe that I am better than someone else because of what I have. If I am following Christ, I can’t choose to ignore a homeless man or simply write him off as a drunk. Yes, I do have more things than him, but I do not have more so I can keep more to myself. I have more so I can give more. “We are blessed so we can be a blessing,” is something I heard a pastor say once.

I don’t want this view of social status to keep me from following Christ. I don’t want to believe that this man and I are on different levels because of the things we have or do not have. God made this guy just as he made me. I am not better than him. I am not better than him. (I just thought I needed to repeat myself.) And I don’t want to help the poor or the homeless to make myself feel better. I don’t want to help the poor or the homeless so that I will feel less guilty for having more stuff. I want to do it because that’s what God wants. He doesn’t want me to question their neediness or to turn a blind eye. He wants me to show the love that I have been shown. And since I am trying to take my relationship with Him seriously, I want to do more of what He wants me to do. I want to not ignore signs that read ANY BIT WILL HELP. GOD BLESS. Walk in love…

For Heaven's Sake?

2007-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

I guess I think of myself as generally a smart person. I mean, not in a conceited way or anything. But in life, there are just some things I don’t understand. Women, for instance. I really don’t even know what to say about ya’ll except the more I try to understand you, the more I am left clueless. And the less I try to understand you, the more I am amazed. (Did that even make any sense?) Another more serious thing I don’t understand is tragedy. Virginia Tech. More eloquent people than I have already said a lot about the tragedy. I guess the first thoughts that went through my head were about the shooter. What led him to this? What was going on in his life? I don’t understand any of it. I watched the movie Hotel Rwanda the other weekend. It was such a great movie, but it made me really sad. I don’t understand how 700,000 people can be slaughtered while the rest of the world ignores the injustice.

When we hear of tragedies like these or go through our own, sometimes we say things like, “Oh I can’t wait until I get to Heaven.” There’s even an old hymn, “When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be.” I guess we say these things because we know that in Heaven there will be no more war or tears or starving children or mass suicide bombings. We believe that in Heaven, we will have life as it was intended to be before the Fall. And I agree with these ideas about Heaven. But sometimes these ideas about future glory impact our lives in a way that really goes against the things Jesus said. For instance, for many Christians it’s easy to not get involved in humanitarian efforts because they know one Day all will be made right. It’s easy to neglect the present world when you only have your eyes on the future one. When Christianity is just about getting to Heaven, we take away from the message of Jesus. Robb Bell says, “What happens is the Gospel becomes about another world and this world greatly suffers.” Don’t get me wrong, there is a future hope that we should be eagerly awaiting, but there is also a present world that needs our help too.

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full,” is something Jesus declares in John chapter 10. I believe that this life that Jesus spoke of is something that happens now, and not in some distant future. My life with Christ starts when I accept His love for me, not when I get to Heaven. There are bumper stickers out there, you know the ones. “Incase of Rapture, this car will be unmanned.” This may just be me, but this sticker represents this anticipation to leave this world behind. I can’t wait to get out of here. To me, this kind of thinking is not that Christ-like. Think about it. While He was here, did He ever say, “Man, you people are so screwed up. I can’t wait until I get to go back home.” Of course not. What did He say He was here to do? In Luke 4:18-19 Jesus says, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.” Jesus was here to teach, to heal, to love, to work, to help. So if Jesus is the ultimate example for my life, shouldn’t I be doing the things He did?

In the end, God restores the world to the way He meant it to be. So, that means it will never be fully restored until He does it. But since we are His children, since we are of His kingdom, shouldn’t we be trying to do a little restoring too? I am not judging anyone, but let’s face it, there are many of us out there who accepted Jesus just to avoid Hell. Now we’re just waiting around until God calls us home. That’s not the way He wants us to live, though. God wants us to get involved in this world and make a positive impact on this world for His Kingdom, and there is so much more to this than just getting ready for Heaven. It means bringing little pieces of Heaven here to Earth. It means actually loving your enemies and making peace a priority. It means getting involved in relationships so that no one ever feels alone. It means feeding the hungry, supplying for the poor, and telling enemies that war is not the answer. It means living our lives the way in which Jesus lived His. Walk in love…

Earning Love

2007-04-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

So I guess you can say I am in the working world now. I still don’t feel comfortable in this place, to be honest. At least not comfortable being apart of corporate America. You know what, I have actually learned from being here. I’m not sure of if you are aware of this concept, but in order to advance in business you have to perform well. If I want to climb the so called “corporate ladder”, I have to constantly do better and better. Actually, I guess you can say this concept applies to most things in our world. If you want something, you have to work for it. I think this concept has been branded in our minds. It’s just the way the world works.

I guess now the question is how this “performance equal rewards” concept has affected our relationship with God. My guess is in a bigger way than we think. Let me say this. God can never love you any more than He does right now. Did you here that? God can never love you any more than He does right now. Let that sink in. Seriously. This idea is something that greatly amazes me and has affected my life. I guess I grew up with the idea that if I wanted God to love me more, I would have to do more things for Him. I mean, this concept is something that is true in most areas of our lives. I go to church whenever the doors are open because I want God to love me more. I read my Bible everyday because I want God to love me more. I say a prayer before every meal because I want God to love me more.

This kind of thinking about God, about performing for acceptance, it is not that healthy. It’s doing things out of obligation and not out of love. Example: I have a wife. (Use your imagination) Let’s say my wife has a birthday. Which do you think would be the sign of a healthy relationship between her and I: me giving her a gift because I felt it was my duty or me giving her a gift because of my love for her? Obviously the latter is the best.

The simple fact is God’s love for me and you can be no better than it is right now. No amount of mission trips, tithes, Bible studies, or prayers could ever improve His love for us. I know there are some people out there who would yell at me “faith without works is dead”, but I am not arguing against that. I am saying that sometimes we get in these places in our relationship with Him, where we are just doing things out of obligation. When we start trying to wrap our minds around of this great love God has for us, I believe it will cause in us a desire to want to live a life for and about Him.

This concept of His love, that there is nothing we can do to earn it; it’s so unlike the ways of this world. He did say something like His ways are not ours. We are brought up with these ideas that in order to get ahead in life we have to work harder, but God’s love doesn’t work that way. He says, “I love you just as you are. You don’t have to try to prove your love to me in order to get ahead. It can’t be done. Just accept that I love you and let My love transform you.” Notice the part about letting His love transform you. Yes, God does love us right where we are. God loves the pastor, the prostitute, the missionary, and the atheist each where they are. But, God wants His love to flow through us and change us in order to become more like Him. I want to love as God loves. I think many times in the Church, we have this idea that if someone wants to be apart of our big Christian family they have to meet us on our terms, but truthfully our love should meet them where they are first.

I don’t want to perform “Christian things” out of obligation, trying to earn His love. I don’t want to apply the world’s concept to One who is above this world. I don’t want to be apart of the false gospel that God’s love can be earned by doing more good deeds. I want to live fully in God’s love, allowing it to shape me and draw me closer to Him and spread from me to everyone I come in contact with. Walk and live in love…

A Christian Nation?

2007-04-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

This whole following Christ deal is difficult. I mean, He said it would be and He is right. One of the most difficult things for me is the balance between right and wrong. We don’t have a list of things to do and not to do, though some Christians will say that we do. And because sometimes the answers are not clearly written in stone, we have times where we disagree. One person will say this is right and the next person will say it’s wrong. And then there’s a big debate and sides are chosen. This whole cycle of things is so old and has been too overdone. With all that being said I am going to voice my opinion about something. Again this is just what I believe and I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. This is just me taking what I have learned from God and trying to apply it.

Did Jesus support war? I can’t find any scripture that says He did. Sure most of the Old Testament is about war and God constantly told the Israelites to go to war. But to me, when Jesus stepped out of Eternity and into this world, He brought with Him a different way of doing things. He said things like blessed are the peacemakers. When the Romans came to arrest Jesus with swords and torches, Peter makes a violent act of cutting off one of the soldier’s ears. Jesus could have just let it be, but He doesn’t. He says no to the way of violence. He says if He wanted to He could call down a whole army of angels to have His back. His army of angels would definitely be better than anything Caesar could put together. But Jesus doesn’t play by the way of violence. He says no. He says those who live by the sword will die by the sword. He tells Peter to put down his sword; to stop the violence.

Not only did Jesus want to stop the endless cycle of violence, but he wanted to bring restoration to man’s violent ways. For instance, he could have just left the man’s ear on the ground, and by earthly standards, the man deserved it. But Jesus doesn’t give the soldier what he deserves. He heals him. He makes things new. Jesus is the ultimate peacemaker and He is the restorer of our own violent ways.

There tends to be this unspoken conservative Christian rule that if you love Jesus you will vote Republican. And if you are Republican you will be for the war in Iraq. Christianity and politics are a touchy subject, I know. We have our issues of abortion and gay marriage and we say that we want to have laws concerning these areas. We call it the Sanctity of Life. We say God is against abortion and gay marriage so we want to make laws against them. I just have one question, why do we think we can apply our faith to laws about gay marriage and abortion and then disregard what Jesus says about violence and war? It seems like a double standard. We vote as if we want our nation to be a Christian nation, but we totally neglect what Jesus says about violence. If we want to apply Jesus to laws of gay marriage and abortion, shouldn’t we apply Jesus concerning war?

Really I am not saying I am for the war or against it. I honestly don’t know where I stand as a follower of Christ on this issue. Is war ever justifiable as a nation? Maybe. Is violence ever a way that represents Jesus? I can’t say that it is. I don’t think we are a Christian nation. Sure there were some great Biblical ideas in forming this nation, but we are not a theocracy. For me, I can’t support the war and then turn around and want to vote for God concerning gay marriage and abortion. I would have to call myself a hypocrite. For you, it may be okay. I am simply saying what Jesus had led me to believe. I do know that as a powerful nation, we should help the oppressed. I know that in Africa there are 10 year olds being forced to fight in wars and we as a nation have done little to end this. I think the War in Iraq will never be won because we are not fighting a nation, we are fighting a belief. Nations are easier to defeat than beliefs.

I do support our troops and I do love my country. But my citizenship is first and foremost in His Kingdom and I have to remember that while living in this world. I know some of you may disagree with me and that’s okay. I am not here to debate these issues or anything. I am just throwing ideas out there. If God speaks to you, then great. Debating hardly ever brings about any positive outcome. Walk in love…

Lukewarmnicity

2007-04-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

Well I am back from a writing sabbatical. I didn’t go anywhere, but I just took a few weeks off from writing. I want to take a trip to Colorado soon though; anyone want to join? Well, I didn’t plan on taking time off writing. There are things that have been on my mind, things I have felt like writing about. There are things I have wrestled with; issues and topics. Things I don’t understand. I’m still relatively young and I know that there’s a lot I don’t know yet about life and walking with God. I have a lot to learn.

A few weeks ago I was reading the Bible. I was in Revelation reading the Jesus’ letters to the churches. I came across the famous letter to the church in Laodicea and the whole ‘lukewarm’ statement. You know, “So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” This is one of those passages that just jumps off the page. We probably have all heard sermons on the dangers of being lukewarm. We probably have all heard people trying to scare us into obedience so Jesus will not spit us out of His mouth. And of course, this passage raises questions. Why does Jesus say that those who are lukewarm would be better off cold? How is this Jesus who spits people out of his mouth the same Christ who welcomes and forgives all? And the big question, what does it mean to be lukewarm?

I heard a great illustration from Pastor Francis Chan of California a few weeks ago. I will probably butcher it, but bear with me. If I were going to go in the army, I would meet with the army recruiter. What would happen if I told the recruiter that I didn’t want to commit to serve 3 years? “Hey Sarge, check this out. How about I only serve a year? That works better for me. And the whole boot camp thing, yeah I’m gonna sleep in and probably only train when I feel like it.” I doubt the recruiter would let me sign up. He’d probably yell at me and kick me out of his office. Why? Because when you sign up for something like the army, you are pretty much signing your life away for those years. But if I am going to be truthful, sometimes I have this attitude when following Christ; like I don’t want to be all in. I think that’s the heart of lukewarmnicity.

Anyone can pray a prayer. And one can say Jesus is Lord. Anyone can get dunked underwater in front of a church. But those things aren’t what it means to follow Him. Die to yourself. Pick up your cross. Hate your mother. Hate your brother. Unless I am not first in your life, unless you would leave it all for My sake, then you’re not following me. You are lukewarm.

In this verse in Revelations, Jesus is basically saying that we are either all in or all out. There is no middle ground. Here’s another example. Say I am dating someone. (I’m not.) Let’s say this woman I am dating sort of likes me and sort of don’ts. She thinks I am a good person and enjoys spending time with me, but she’s constantly looking for the next better thing. (I could make a joke here but I will refrain.) For her, it’s a relationship of convenience. Okay, I would have to be stupid to be in this relationship. Hey, either you like me or you don’t. Either you are with me or you’re not. That’s what Jesus is saying.

Yes, Jesus is redemption and love and forgiveness. But he also wants to be number 1. He doesn’t do second place. Just think, He went all the way for us. He didn’t tell Pilate, “Yeah, this whole death thing, um, I’m not really feeling it. Say, how about I just take a few lashes and be done with it?” Of course not. He went all the way for us. I know there are times in my life that I am lukewarm. It’s not that I don’t love Jesus; I guess I just get so caught up in everything else. But I guess if my life is not fully for Him, nothing else really matters. I am tired of my own lukewarmnicity. I want to be all in. Walk in love…

matt

Preforming the Role of the Good Christian

2006-09-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

So usually I average about 2 of these writing pieces a week. Some weeks I might do 3 and some weeks I might write just 1. I don't have a list of topics or anything that I just choose from. I write about something only when God speaks to me about it. The Holy Spirit will lay some topic or issue on my soul and then I'll write. It has been going steady like this for awhile now. I don't have some quota, as far as how many writings per week I can turn out. I just write when I'm inspired, and as I said it's been about 2 a week.
Last week I just wrote one piece. I didn't write anything this weekend. I just haven't felt inspired since the one I wrote last week. I was sitting with my notebook in hand last night and the thought came over me that I was supposed to write. I had this feeling as if it was just something I needed to check off my list. (You know the good Christian checklist, pray: check, read my Bible: check, go to church: check, help an old lady across the street: check, write a piece: ummm.) I sort of felt like it was my duty to write. But, I hadn't been inspired to write about anything since last time. I could probably scribble down something about how Jesus' resurrection meant more than just Him conquering death for us; that His resurrection was also a symbol of the restoration He offers us from our broken lives. You know, some profound theological piece. But there was no inspiration, and I just couldn't bring myself to write.
I think at times we all get like this on our spiritual journey as Christ followers. One day we wake up and the inspiration and passion has faded away like a distant memory. Then, we feel the need to perform like we are actors in some sort of play. We put on a life of what is expected out of us, what a good Christian is supposed to do. Sunday we go to church so that we can just mark one good deed off our list. We read our Bible not because of thirst or out of love, but so that we feel as if it's our job. And I'm not saying that during the times where we don't feel as close to God as we should, that we just wait until we feel like doing these things again. Practicing discipline is what can get us through these 'down' times. But for me, I don't like getting to the point where I'm just going through the motions. I don't enjoying performing as the character of the good Christian. And I'm not a legalist by any means, thinking that one has to perform all of these certain things in order for God to love them.
I don't want to just perform the Christian duties because that is what I'm supposed to do. I want to do because that's want I desire to do. Jesus did say that two certain things were most the important. Love God and love everyone else. And if I am loving God and loving everyone else as I was created to do, everything else that I do will be out of an act of love. I will pray because I love talking to my Father. I will read my Bible because I love the things that Daddy can teach me through it. I will go to church because I love serving my Father and love just being around my brothers and sisters. I will help old ladies across the street because I love old ladies. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that yes there are some times when we feel like we need to perform our Christian duties because we feel like that is just what we are supposed to do. But before we just give into the motions and act out of duty, we need to take a step back and reflect on God's love for us. When we see how much He loves us, we will want to do the good Christian things out of our love for Him. Live Blessed and Live out of Love…

Do I Have What It Takes?

2006-09-06T08:27:00.001-07:00

So I have to admit, I haven’t planned on writing about this. Usually a topic comes to me and I think about for a few days and then write about it. I met with a good friend of mine this weekend to talk about issues guys deal with. We’re thinking of starting some kind of men’s ministry at church. We talked about the common guy issues of lust, fear of failure, leadership, and how we validate ourselves as men. Another issue we talked about has been on my mind and soul a lot recently. It’s probably something women face too, but I’m not a woman so I can’t say for sure.
Yes, I have experienced a lot in life. My strength has been tested and God has pulled me through many things, sometimes even when I didn’t want His assistance. I have learned many truths and fallen for many lies. I have to confess, sometimes I don’t think I have what it takes. Sometimes I doubt the strength that God has given me and the battle that He has placed me in. I read about this feeling a little over a year ago in Eldredge’s Wild At Heart. I know I have experienced this feeling before, but it is not until now that I can actually identify it.
Right now there are a few circumstances where I feel like I just don’t have what it takes. Oh, the great feeling of inadequacy. (That was sarcasm, by the way.) There are some areas in my life where it seems like I’m getting no where. I don’t feel like I have the strength I need in some of the relationships I have. This whole writing thing, do I really have the intellect and eloquence it takes? Could it be that some of these areas are not supposed to be victories for me? Could it be that some of these things are not apart of “God’s plan” for my life? I have never been one to give up and wave the white flag of surrender. I’m too stubborn and persistent for that. But there is still this feeling in many areas that I am not enough.
It’s crazy how sometimes we can feel this way. We pray for something to happen and it never does. We still want to hold on, but we doubt our grip will last for much longer. Or we wonder if we’re going in the right direction and doubt our ability to move ahead because we can’t see the outcome. Sometimes I feel like myself is just not good enough. My strength is not enough. I don’t have what it takes to be the man I need to be.
So my friend and I we’re talking about this again tonight. My friend said I just need to rest in the peace of the Lord. Simple enough advice right? And he didn’t say this as one of those cliché sayings that we Christians often pass out like free doughnuts. He really meant what he said. But his answer is so simple. And yet his simple advice is what my soul knows to be true. My soul knows that my strength will never be enough, but God’s strength in me will be more than enough. My soul knows that God’s will will never lead me where His grace cannot keep me. My soul knows the truth, but sometimes my mind refuses to believe because it is so simple. Though sometimes I can be led astray by the doubt of my own strength that my mind often confronts me with, God’s truth is what resonates in my soul and what I know is real when I listen to Him.

Are You Impressed Yet?

2006-09-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is not about condemning anyone or pointing any fingers. I am just reflecting upon my own life and the things I experience. I am speaking to myself more than anyone else.

I was getting dressed the other evening, on my way to meet an old friend. I picked out a shirt, brushed my teeth, and put some product in my hair as I gazed into the mirror. As my reflection stared back at me a thought came to mind, “Matt, why are you fixing your hair so it’s looks messy?” I didn’t have an answer for myself. Seriously, how stupid is this? After question my actions, I felt like an idiot. It’s not like I was about to go meet a beautiful lady or anything. I was meeting a dude, and he’s married in the first place. (That’s a joke) On the drive to meet my friend I started to think about the many things I do to try to impress others. I like to think that I really don’t care what others think about me. I like to think that I only care about what God thinks about me, but that’s not the full truth. Sometimes other people’s perception of myself is important to me. I really don’t want it to be important, but sometimes it is. It could be the culture that I was raised in, it could be the bombardment of advertisements which I face everyday that tell me to be a certain way or face rejection, it could just be Satan up to his manipulating tricks again. It’s a little of all three if you ask me.
Have you ever noticed yourself competing in a conversation with someone? You may ask, “Matt, what do you mean ‘competing’ in a conversation?” I caught myself competing in a conversation with a friend about a year or so ago. Come to find out, I have been doing this in conversations since I can remember but it wasn’t until a year ago that I realized it. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: How was your trip?
Friend: It was good. I stayed at this great hotel. It was very nice.
Me: that’s cool. I stayed at this one hotel one time and it was the greatest hotel ever. What else did you do?
Friend: I went to a concert. Oh, I saw a dolphin too.
Me: Did I tell you about this singer who is a mutual friend of mine. Speaking of dolphins, let me show you the pictures I took of a whale I saw in the ocean one time.
And that was how the conversation went. Being a reflective person, I often think of things after they happen. And after this conversation I realized how stupid I was. During the whole conversation, instead of listening to my friend I was looking for a way that I could top whatever they were about to say. Am I alone in this one? I think it’s funny how we act when we want others to validate us. We will do some ridiculous things to win the approval and acceptance of others. We all have a need to feel like we are approved and accepted by others. Who really desires to be known as the Loner?
In church the other day, my imagination started to take off. (I know, I am such a bad person to let my mind wander in the middle of church.) I wondered what it would be like to be a homeless man, with nothing but rags for clothes, and how I would feel as I walked into church. I looked around at the nice dresses and expensive watches and wondered would they welcome me, a dirty homeless man, as one of them. Would they not be offended by the fact that I haven’t showered in a while? Yes, this is where my imagination took me the other day. I am not about to turn this into an argument about whether it’s right or wrong to dress up or just be casual for church. I believe there are some things that are Biblically black and white. But everything about God cannot be black and white because that would mean that He’s a God that I could understand, that I could keep in a box. Some issues are gray and some ar full of color. Black and white are too dull anyways. With that being said, how much do we try to impress each other at church? It’s just a question. This is a question I fail to ask myself many days. I’m not saying looking good or anything like that is wrong. I guess what I am trying to say is that too many times I try to impress others too much. I give my time and attention in seeking the acceptance from others, when I should be devoting all I have to the One who has already accepted me just the way I am.

Casual vs. Close

2006-09-06T08:26:00.001-07:00

So, what exactly is the Christian faith? What does it mean to be a Christian? Some folks may say, “I know there is a God.” “I know about Jesus’ death on the cross.” “I know that the Bible is God’s inspired truth.” “I go to church.” “Hey, I pray.” All of these things are great. Each of them plays an important part to the Christian faith. But what I am searching for is a life changing faith. If Christian spirituality is not life changing, what good is it really? If it’s just another set of principles and teachings, then there is nothing special about it. My faith, my spirituality, it must be more than praying the Lord’s prayer, attending church services, and following all of the commands of the Bible. (As if anyone could ever follow them all, anyways.) One can be involved in all of the areas of Christianity and still not have a life changing experience.
When Jesus was asked what the most two important commandments were, what was His response? Love God and love your neighbor. At the core of these two commandments is relationship. In order for the Christian faith to be a life changing experience it has to be put in the context of relationship. For instance, I have many casual friends. I have so many casual friends that I often forget a casual friend’s name when I see them. Have you ever had that happen to you? “Hey, Matt. How have you been?” “Hey, there, ….buddy. What’s going on.” In those kinds of situations I usually try to fake it, but the other person can probably read my forgetfulness. In casual relationships, this is usually the extent of most conversations. Most of the time casual friends will exchange pleasantries, and both parties will be on their way. The casual relationships that I have do not affect me as a person. They do not inspire me to be greater or encourage me in times of need. They are just casual, after all. I wouldn’t go up to a casual friend and say, “Hey, …buddy, I am really having a problem with judging others. You see that dude, man he is such a loser. Hey, pray for me about this.” That’s just something you would talk about with a casual friend.
I do have really close relationships with people. My close friendships are few but very meaningful. I have many more casual relationships than I do close ones because close relationships take work to maintain. No one has enough energy or stamina to maintain hundreds of close relationships. But we do have the ability to get involved in some close relationships. And when we have these close relationships, they affect who we are. A close friend can inspire you, encourage you, and speak words of wisdom into your life because they know who you really are. You wouldn’t pass by a close friend and say, “Hey, how are you? Have a good one,” and let that be it. You wouldn’t just talk to a close friend whenever you didn’t have anything better to do. “Hey, let’s hangout because I have nothing more entertaining to do.” “Hey, I only want to talk to you for an hour or so on a particular day of the week.” These are not the kinds of thing you would tell someone you are in a close relationship with. If you did say these things to them, you probably wouldn’t be close to them for that long. Do you see where I am going with this?
In order for us to have a life changing Christian faith, we have to have more than just a casual relationship with God. We have to press into Him and get to know Him in order to experience closeness with Him. This is a hypothetical situation, a very hypothetical situation. Say, I was dating a lady. And let’s say that she really loved me, but I was always too busy for her. I would publicly admit that I was dating her, but I only dropped by to see her maybe once a week and most of the time I spent with her my mind was off somewhere else. If I had this kind of relationship, it wouldn’t be that great of a relationship, would it? That’s how it is with us and God. If we have a close relationship with Him, it will be evident in our lives. When we have a close relationship with God, this close relationship will affect the way we live.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

2006-09-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to confess, this writing may not flow well. Usually, I have to write things down on paper first and then I type. But this just has been on my heart and I think I mentioned writing about it last week. Does anyone hate the dark? I don’t anymore. I used to sleep with a Batman nightlight until a few weeks ago. I’ve grown up since then. (That was my weak attempt at a joke, by the way.) Why are little kids afraid of the dark? Why are some grown ups afraid of the dark? Because we can’t see what’s out there. Because we are conditioned to fear the unknown.
I used to hate not knowing how things in my life would turn out. I wanted to control every aspect. If I can control every part of my life, then things will always go how I want them. HaHa. If life were only that simple. Then, one day I decided to let God start leading me instead of trying to lead myself. I really didn’t know how crazy things could get until He got control of my life. You see, God has this way of working. He doesn’t like repeating Himself. He is the opposite of doing the mundane. Take Jesus and when He healed people, for instance. Sometimes He’d rub mud in their eyes, sometimes they would get healed by just touching His clothes, other times He would just say the word and someone would be healed. God likes to mix things up a bit; He likes to keep us on our toes. God also likes it when the cards are stacked up against Him. Gideon and his army of 300 whippin’ the tails of thousand of Midianites. I bet Gideon had some doubters in his camp that didn’t think he could pull off the victory. There are always naysayers who will try to get in the way when you’re following God. Gideon couldn’t see the outcome of the battle and the odds didn’t seem to be in his favor, but he followed God into the unknown and God took care of the rest.
When you’re following God, He’ll lead you into the unknown many times in life. If you always followed the road you were comfortable and familiar with, you really wouldn’t have a need for faith, would you? That’s why God calls us into the unknown. To get us to trust Him more. Like I said, there will be people who will advise you not to go where God is calling you. There will be those that doubt. There will be those that say “just live your life like so and so does.” But God has a different plan. God likes calling His children where they can’t see the path that lies in front of them. A good Father wants His children to trust Him, right? So don’t be afraid of the dark. Don’t fear the unknown. Don’t listen to those who try to persuade you to ignore God’s voice. I heard this awesome line somewhere and I’ll leave you with this, “God’s Will will never take you where His Grace cannot keep you.” Live blessed and breathe on…

Humble Like A Child

2006-09-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

“Are you married?” said a voice to me. “No,” I replied. “Why not?” was the next question he asked. “Ummm, good question,” was all I could think of to say back. Who would dare to ask such a straight forward question? Who has enough boldness to come right out and ask that? A child. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to help out in Vacation Bible School. (Really, it was more of playing with kids rather than helping out.) A friend of mine is the children’s minister at church and I have been helping out (playing) a little this summer. I have to admit, my reasons for volunteering are not so I can teach the children something. Right below worshipping God, my next reason is somewhat selfish. The other reason I have been helping out is because it’s a chance for me to learn. Now, I already know most of the VBS stories and I know how to make dried macaroni into a necklace, so what exactly am I learning? I am learning from the children. Yes, I am 24 years old. Yes, I have way more experience in life than any of the children. So, what can they teach me? A lot. Jesus says if you want to be apart of the Kingdom of God, you have to come to Him like a humble child. Then, Jesus says if you come to Him like a humble child, you can be the greatest in the Kingdom. What the heck is Jesus trying to say here?
Sometimes being an adult is not that great. Bills to pay, bosses to answer to, relationships to maintain. Being an adult means having many responsibilities. Being an adult does have its advantages. When I was younger, I couldn’t wait until I grew up. When I was 15 I couldn’t wait until I turn 16 so I could just get in a car and drive. It’s funny because now I wish someone would drive me around sometimes. I also couldn’t wait until I could grow facial hair. I used to look at men with a beard or a mustache and say, “Now there’s a man.” An adult can grow facial hair, at least a male adult can. I’m not fully there on this one yet; some of it is a little patchy. Now though, I wish I didn’t have to shave. It’s funny how growing up works.
Becoming like a child. Grace-giving, accepting, loving, and forgiving – all qualities of a child that we tend to forget the older we grow. The humble little child that Jesus mentions didn’t have pride to stop him from coming to Jesus. That child’s mindset wasn’t, “I got this Jesus. I don’t need your help.” The child humbly came to Jesus because the child knew who Jesus was and what He could do. Jesus doesn’t want our pride to get in the way of coming to Him. The older we get, the harder it is for us to do this because the more stubborn we become. I look at older generations and see how so many of them are just stunted in their spiritual growth. They’re too set in their ways.
Put a black baby and a white baby together in the same room. Will they not play together? See if these babies look on each other with racist eyes. These children won’t judge each other. It’s not apart of their nature. But it happens all the time to adults. That person did this to me. She said that about me. Children don’t think like that. If someone does them wrong, they openly and humbly forgive.
Back to the kid who asked me that question. Why would he ask that bold and direct question? Because he is a child. He doesn’t hold back; it’s not in his nature. If he has a question or there is something on his heart, he will let you know. It is the nature of a child to be open. That’s what Jesus is saying, “Come to me and accept me openly. Without judgment, without caution, don’t hold back.” This is the way I want to come to Jesus. The open and honest humility of a child is what I want to have.

Feeling Blah

2006-09-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry to disappoint, but this one is not about any kind of pain or heartache. This is not about joy and letting God have control of your life. This is not about always wearing a smile or even praying for your enemies. I really don’t know what this is about, so it’s just going to flow out. I was thinking to myself today, “Matt, you haven’t written anything this week. What’s going on?” Well, to be honest nothing is really going on. I’m just sort of here. Many ideas have been on my mind, and I have a lot of topics that I want to write about but I just can’t seem to get things down. I’m not really drained or anything; it just feels like I’m getting by. Things are neither high nor low. I’m not jumping for joy but I’m not down in the dumps. Tomorrow or even an hour from now, things may change. But as for right now I’m just here. Actually, I just stopped writing this for a few minutes, thinking I wasn’t making any sense. (And that’s probably right.) While I stopped working on this, I tried writing about a topic that has been on my mind lately, following God into the unknown, but I just couldn’t seem to get the words out. Call it writer’s block or whatever, but I guess I’ll try getting my feelings out about this now.
I think we all have these times in our lives. Times where we feel like things are just going; we feel life being pretty mundane. We are neither in the valley nor on top of the mountain. We not in the middle of a storm, but we are not seeing any sunshine either. At least, I hope I’m not alone here. I really hate feeling like this. Truthfully, it is kind of boring here. And I hate being bored. I mean really, who likes boredom. It all seems kind of bland and mundane. Give me spicy any day of the week. I would rather be way down in the valley than just in the middle of wherever I am right now. At least then I would have some sort of inspiration.
I think it is dangerous for our faith when we get in these kinds of places. I mean, when I’m facing a tragedy I have to depend on God to make it through. When I am experiencing something great, I feel like praising Him. But here’s it’s just kind of, blah. I know in times like this, I should do what a good Christian should do and be thankful for everything God has done for me. If the Apostle Paul was here he’d say, “Matt, you better rejoice son, let me say it again, Rejoice!” And I know that praising God during these times is the right thing to do, but let’s be honest, we don’t naturally feel like praising Him when things are going “just okay.”
Maybe if I wasn’t so forgetful, I would do better during times like this. I forget where I place my car keys at least once a week. And when I’m going through these times where I’m just in the middle, I forget really how much I really am thankful for. I also forget how much I do really need God. As I said, we depend on God a whole lot more when we are hurt rather than when we’re just doing alright. Maybe that’s why Paul had to tell people to rejoice twice. He knew they would forget to rejoice if he only mentioned it once. So for now, I will try to rejoice. God has brought me through a lot. He has matured me through difficult times, some just happened and some were my own doing. Now that I am reflecting on how much He has actually worked in my life to bring me where I am today, I really do realize how much I do need Him. It is amazing to look back and see the little and big things He has done to bring me along. But I am also realizing that there is more ahead. There are more tragedies. There are more mountaintop experiences. And there is more of Him. So for now, I will break away from this place of just getting by, of just being “okay.” I will be thankful for the past, and yearn for more of Him in my future. So now I will live blessed and breathe on…