Most of the time when I write one of these things it’s for the purpose of sharing something I have learned from my own experiences. I have experienced a lot and God has taught me so many things through my own past. This is not one of those pieces. This is not something from my past or something that God has taught me. This is something current. This is something fresh and real to me. It’s easier to talk about the past. This is a little more difficult because it is something I am going through right at this moment. It’s funny how that works. For me to talk about a present struggle, I am admitting that I don’t have every thing figured out. I don’t have all of the answers. And admitting that I mess things up all the time puts me in a vulnerable position, but it’s a real one. How many of us actually like to admit to out own sin? Whenever I read other Christian writers I always have the impression that they are some sort of spiritual giants without their own mistakes. I always think of those people as really godly and pretty much without sin. Recently, I have tried to do away with the labels within Christianity. There aren’t spiritual giants and spiritual weaklings. There are only people. Real people with real mistakes and real triumphs.
Well, I guess I should move onto my current struggle. It’s trust. I know I have admitted before that it is easier for me to trust God than it is to trust people. People are faulty and they do eventually let you down. But the truth is, sometimes I don’t trust God. We were reading about trusting God today in church and all of this just hit me. We were actually reading about delighting in God. You know the verse, “Take delight in God and He will give you your hearts desires.” The whole passage is in Psalm 37 if you want to look it up. But it also talks about trusting in God. After we talked a little about trusting in God to provide, that’s when I started thinking. I don’t trust God that much.
Like I said, it is really hard for me to trust people. People have let me down many times and I guess it has just affected me. I don’t want to be like this. It’s something that has gotten better over the past year, but I still have some trust issues. And it seems like when I start to let those walls down, the trust is broken and I am right back where I started. But I am far better about this than I was, I promise. Trusting God. Sometimes it’s just hard for me to actually trust Him. I mean, it sounds good and like the right Christian thing to say. “I trust God.” But how many of us actually do?
Do I actually trust God that He will provide for me? Do I trust that God will take care of certain situations? Do I trust that God in going back to get my masters? Will He provide a counseling job for me when I get out of school? Do I trust God in pursuing relationships? Do I actually trust that one day He will guide me to the woman He wants me to marry? We all have our own questions. I know sometimes I try to work things out myself. Sometimes I just feel that God is too busy to handle my problems, so I shouldn’t trust Him to take care of them. He’s got other kids who are way more important to Him than me. I mean seriously. I come from a broken home, I probably have failed for Him more times than I have succeeded, and I don’t read my Bible everyday. Sometimes I don’t consider myself to be high on God’s priority list so why should I just trust Him.
I know what the Bible says about trusting God. I know that He says He will never abandon me. I know that He says He knows my name. I know that God says He upholds me with His hand. I know that He says He will take care of me. I know all of these things, but sometimes I just don’t live like I believe they are true. The thing is, deep down, I know they are true. In my soul, I know that God loves me and will take care of me. That’s the hard part about living a life for Him, there is a difference in knowing things and actually living things. To live my life trusting in Him is hard. I am so used to having my own back and trying to arrange things for my own life. But I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to actually trust Him with every aspect of my life. As far as the trusting other people issue, I’m sure He’ll work with me on that…
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