Lonely

I have learned a lot about life in my short existence. I have learned that God has a way of working things out; often in a way you least expect Him to. I have learned that investing time in others is one of the greatest joys there is. And I learned that there is nothing more inspiring to a man that the beauty of a particular woman. There’s something else I have learned about life, it’s that there’s a desperate craving inside all of our souls to connect. We need others. A British poet, John Donne, once wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself…” There are no truer words.
No one wants to be alone. Sure there are times where we like to be alone so we can rest, reflect, and create, but man was not designed to handle being alone for a substantial amount of time. When you are alone for a long time you tend to go crazy.
Loneliness is a crazy thing and it causes crazy actions. It can drive a woman into the arms of another man or vice versa. It can even cause someone to commit the ultimate tragedy upon themselves or someone around them.
There have been times in my life where I have dealt with loneliness. I think we have all had those moments. Those moments where we just need someone to be there. To listen. To stand by our side. To assure us that everything will turn out okay.
This is the part where I would normally say something cliché like, “If you have Jesus, you never be truly alone.” And that’s true and all but it can only be so comforting.
Loneliness is there for a reason. It’s there to let us know that we weren’t meant to face life alone. It’s there to remind us that there is something greater to life than ourselves. You see, if life was all about me then being alone really wouldn’t bother me. I would be completely comfortable with it. But life is not about me. It’s about connecting with others. It’s about making time for people and being a little less selfish. It’s about letting those around you know how much you mean to them. And it’s about taking risks for love’s sake, because love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And when there’s love, loneliness can never last that long.

Ice Cream Flavors

I like variety. That’s just the type of person I am. I can’t help it. I’m the type of person who gets bored very easy. And I’m very impatient as well. When something bores me, I usually get frustrated and move on. I also like the chocolate brownie ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s my favorite. But it’s not the only one I like. If you told me that the chocolate brownie kind was the only ice cream I could have for the rest of my life I would probably give up ice cream all together. I mean, my tongue has tons of different flavor taste buds-I don’t just have chocolate brownie taste buds. So I would just give all of the flavors up…or resort to violence and punch you in the trachea. Why just have one kind when there are tons more flavors out there? It’s insane.

Honestly, I’m kind of confused right now. My confusion pertains to the church I attend. It’s a Baptist church, even though I don’t identify myself as a Baptist. It’s kinda the church I grew up in. When I went away to college, I tried all types of churches. Churches of Christ, Non- denominational, charismatic, and even the occiasional trip to Box Springs Episcopal. And I learned a lot about God from each church. (Even the mattress one b/c God made sleep so therefore it must be good)

So yes, I am getting kind of antsy at church because I’ve been there so long. And to me, a church is supposed to be progressive. And because it’s not progressive and constantly evolving I am getting bored. I dislike singing the same songs over and over and the ministries and activities seem the same each year. Remember, I’m the kind of person who thrives of variety. Also, I don’t think I fit in. I think I’m the only person there who voted democrat in the last election and I’m afraid if they find this out they will shun me anyways (slight exaggeration). I know I’m probably one of the more liberal people there. I don’t think cuss words in and of themselves are sins. I don’t think drinking is either. I don’t believe in the war. And I don’t think that a great way to spend money is a new building. And I like rap music.

I’ve meant all this in a slightly light hearted yet slightly serious tone. And it’s not that my church is doing anything wrong; it’s just that I don’t know if it’s for me. And yes, I know that someone will say that church is about what you give to it and not what you get out of it. I kinda agree, but not fully though. I think it’s a mixture of both. But this has just been a reminder for me that God is very creative. Just look around. He’s created unique beings who He has designed to experience Him in many different ways. So I guess that’s the positive thing you can take for my scattered thoughts.

forts

I remember when I was a little kid I liked to build forts. What little boy doesn't enjoy a good fort? Forts were great. They were great when you wanted to hide from someone. Of course, it's easy to spot a blanket draped over some chairs. Forts are also good for protection. They keep the bad guys out. But you can only stay in the fort so long before you run out of juice boxes and fruit snacks. Sooner or later you have to come out.

I have known some adults who have built forts, metaphorical forts, around their lives. I have even done it a time or too. I guess it's a natural reaction to when people let you down. You build a fort so that it becomes more difficult for others to let you down. I understand that. And the more times you have been hurt or disappointed, the stronger the walls of your fort are.

Now, I know that we are supposed to guard our hearts. I get that. But I also know that we are not supposed to live a life fortified from the outside world. Sometimes we can get so caught up in not getting hurt that we cut ourselves off from all feelings and emotions. We won't let others into our lives, fearing that they won't like us if they find out who we really are. If we do let someone in, we fight them the whole way. The tragedy here is that we end up not living a life we were created for. We live a life of exile; one where our hearts are separated from what could be.

I love the quote "the Glory of God is man fully alive." We are not truly living if we live a fortified life. And if we are not truly living, then we are wasting the time we have been given. Sure when we let down our walls we become exposed to the possibility of pain, but we also will get to experience true joy and love that do overshadow the darkness of pain. And I would rather experience all of the emotions that life has to offer, rather than none at all. Besides, broken hearts are meant to be healed, not locked up in a prison.

My Area of Expertise

So for those of you who don’t know, I am studying counseling in grad school. In counseling, it seems best if you have an area of expertise. It could be working with a certain demographic (children) or specializing in treating a certain disease (Tricotelomania) or maybe just become a teacher or do counseling research. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to specialize in. I think I have narrowed it down to two different areas. One is PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can happen to people who experience traumatic situations like war, rape, or abuse. The other area is marriage and family. (I wonder if there’s anyone who has experienced PTSD because of their marriage.) I know you are thinking, “Matt, how can you work with families and marriages when you’re not even married yourself?” Ah, good question. To that I would say that a pediatrician doesn’t have to be a parent in order to treat children.

I think I do know some things about marriages and families though. One thing that really gets to me is when marriages fall apart. I hate to see that happen. But why does it happen? What’s the root of the problem? I mean, two individuals coming together as one is supposed to come easy, right? Not at all. You see, there’s one thing I know about humans, after all I am one. We are selfish people. It’s something that comes natural. I have never met a person that had to work to become selfish. It’s almost as if we were born that way. I admit that I am selfish. I do not want to be this way. It’s a constant struggle. But hey, good things are worth fighting for right?

One of the things that I have seen in marriages is that two selfish people come together and they still remain selfish. It’s all about what can I get from this other person without having to give anything in return. And honestly, any relationship (whether it’s marriage or friendship) where it’s only about selfish desires being met is destined to be destructive. Then there are those relationships where one person is selfish and the other is not. This one is not healthy either. You have one person trying to serve and the other person acting like a slave master. It’s basically abuse.

I think a healthy relationship is where two people try their best to serve each other. A good relationship is one where each person is constantly asking the other “How can I better love you”, “How can I better serve you.” And this amazing thing starts to happen when you invest your time in others…you begin to feel better about the relationship. When you spend your time serving others, life starts to make more sense. It’s almost as if there was some rule to life that if you love others more than yourself, things will work out for you. I think I have read that somewhere before.

matt spann