Random Thoughts on Dating

So my Bible Study class at church is weird. I know that’s an awkward way to start this out, but it’s true. The class is weird. It’s not that the people in the class are weird. They aren’t. They are pretty normal; as normal as anyone else is anyways. I mean normal in the sense of they have jobs and are married and all. That last part, the thing about all of them being married, I guess that’s what makes the class weird. “Wait Matt, you’re not married so why are you in the class?” And that is certainly a great question, and I guess me being the single guy in a couples class is what makes the class weird. From my standpoint, I bring something different to the class. It’s great for me, I think, because I get to learn from all of these married people. You know, if you want to learn about something that you have never experienced, it is best to learn from those who have. Also, whenever I need relationship advice, which is not often, I have a bunch of married guys to talk to. (I say not often not in the sense of I am a pro in the relationship area, but as in I have no need for advice because of my lack of being in a relationship.) I wouldn’t ask a single friend about relationship advice because that’s like letting a blind person drive you around town – a wreck is bound to follow and soon. The Bible says a wise man seeks the counsel of others. I think this verse can be applied to relationship counsel. I have learned a lot from my friends, but also God has taught me a lot during my time spent in singleness. It’s amazing how much you can learn when you examine something from afar off. But then again, I have also learned things from the relationships in my past as well.

One thing I have learned about relationships is that it’s best when they are intentional. I know that sounds weird and all, but give me a sec. When I say intentional, I don’t mean that I am going to go up to a girl and say “Hi. We are dating now. 4 months from today I will propose and exactly 3 months from then we will be married.” That’s the kind of talk that would creep a woman out. Intentional dating is having some sort of plan, but also not having it all planned out. I guess it’s not casual. I am not a fan of casual dating, though I used to be. Most of the time someone gets attached and feelings get hurt…that’s why I can’t support casual dating anymore. Usually dating is something like, “Hey, we are going to be together until something better comes along or I get bored.” To me, this kind of dating isn’t all that great either. I don’t think Jesus would lend his support to regular dating. I guess I don’t have some set definition for intentional dating, but I know what it is not. It is not casual and it’s not selfish. It is not avoiding a DTR, defining the relationship, conversation.

I used to fear the DTR, now I think it is essential. When there’s not one, someone is always left wondering where they stand because the communication is not clear. I think the defining should rest on the shoulders of the man. Being a man, I gotta step up and lead.

I’m not that old fashioned when it comes to roles in relationships or anything. I mean, I typically don’t think that a woman’s place is cooking, cleaning, and popping out babies. I do think men need to be the initiators when it comes to relationships. In Proverbs it says that a man who finds a wife finds what is good. The guy is the one finding. He’s the one initiating. He’s the one pursuing. Why? Because a good woman has worth. Things of worth don’t just fall into your lap. Every other Friday money just doesn’t magically appear in my bank account without me doing anything to earn it. I have to work for it. So ladies, if I had to say something to you it would be that it’s okay – even good – to be a little hard to get. Don’t go all into playing head games with the guy, but ladies you are worth something so let him show you what he’s willing to do to have something of worth. A good and godly man will want to show a woman he is interested in that she is valuable to him.

One more thing on my mind. I used to have this mindset that there were things I had to get accomplished before I wanted to be married. Like be out of school, financially stable, and such. My thoughts have changed recently. I said before that it would great to save money while you are single that way you could bring something into a marriage, and I think this is true. You know, right now I could say that I want to get finished with grad school and be stable as a counselor before I am married, but I am not going to say that. After I accomplished those things I would probably come up with another list of things I thought I had to get out of the way. Sure if I was finished with school and very successful, pursuing a marriage would be easier. But there are always going to be things to overcome in every relationship, no matter how long you are in life. Fact is, I can always come up with tons of reasons not to do something; I can always make excuses. And I think one big thing in relationships is learning to get through things together.

That’s really all of the thoughts I have for now and feel free to disagree. Live blessed and walk in love…

Singled Out (yes, this is a cheesy title off an old game show...really this is about being single.)

You want to know something personal about me? I want to get married and have a family one day. It’s something I really want. I want to have a wife to take care of and provide for. I want children who I can play with and be there for. That’s just how God made me. It is a desire He set inside my heart. But what if this doesn’t come true? What if I never get married and I never have any children? What if I am single my whole life? Can I cope with that? Will my life still have any meaning? Can I still be happy?

I remember talking to an exgirlfriend of mine about these issues about 4 years or so ago. (Funny thing, we were actually exes then and we were talking about these things. So for all of you out there, you can actually be friends with someone you used to date. You don’t have to be on bad terms.) She told me that since these desires to have a wife and kids came from God, then He would be sure to carry them out. I think this is true because my desires aren’t selfish or anything. I don’t think He answers all of our desires though. If I desired a Bentley, God wouldn’t give it to me just because I desired it. But unselfish and honorable desires, I believe He likes those. But I am not God. I cannot say what He will do. And most of all I can’t make Him do anything. He’s not a genie in a magic lamp who I pray to and He grants me wishes. He’s God; and for Him to be God- well He has to be able to do whatever He sees fit. So I have to wrestle with the possibility that I could be single for the rest of my life.

I know people that would say their biggest fear is to be single for the rest of their life. How do they handle this fear? Either A) They fall too early too soon for someone because they just want to be in a relationship and they don’t care who it’s with. B) They jump from relationship to relationship just trying to avoid anytime being single. They identify their worth on whether they are with someone (marriage is not the major league and singles the minor league.) C) They are in some dead end relationship with someone they shouldn’t be with but they lack the courage to end it. To me, if I can’t be single and at peace about it, then I am saying that my happiness is not based on Him. If my fear is being single for the rest of my life, then I am saying that He is not enough.

So right now I am single. What am I supposed to do while I am in this time during my life? Well, since I would like to have a family one day I probably should prepare myself for one. Take responsibility, be a man, don’t do stupid boyish things. I think one of the best things for someone to do who wants a family but is single is to start financially preparing. You know, I am probably not going to give a dowry to my wife’s father but I do want to bring financial stability to my wife. I don’t want to be up to my ears in debt and have no way of earning an income. It would be awesome if one day I could say to the woman I marry, “Before we met I started spending responsibly and saving so that now I can buy us this house.” Another thing a single person can do while they are single is to get a plan for your life. What do you want to do? Me, I have figured that God wants me to become a counselor, so I am pursuing that. When you have a plan, you actually bring something to a relationship. Ladies correct me if I am wrong, but it is not attractive for a guy to just be clueless on his future. I am not saying that single people need to have their whole life planned out, but seek out a direction in which you think He wants you to go and go after it. Being single is not a time to just sit around and be wasted. Relationships, particulary marriage, are for men and not for boys, and for women not for girls. So grow up.

Being single is not a bad thing. There is so much you can accomplish for Him that married people just can’t do. On the other hand, marriage is also a good thing. I don’t know how long God will allow me to be single. It’s up to Him. I am not just sitting around waiting for Him to drop a wife in my lap. Proverbs says that a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Finds means that the man actually has to be looking for a wife. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that I should just be jumping from girl to girl either. The whole idea of pursuing is a whole piece in itself. But for my single folks, if you believe God has marriage in your future start preparing for it. And for my people who are dating, make sure you are dating for the right reasons. Don’t be afraid of being single. If you have been with him or her for a year and you’re not sure if they are the one, get out of the relationship. Well I guess that’s all for now. Live blessed and walk in love…

All About Relationships (Dating and Following Christ)

I have been reading alot about relationships recently. Relationships have been at the forefront of my mind a lot. I have had many talks about relationships with people recently. Why? It’s just one of those things in life that interest me. If I could choose one word to sum up everything about life, it would be relationships. Relationship with God, relationships with others, relationship with yourself; these are the things life revolves around right? These are the things that can send us to the mountaintops as well as the valleys. As Jesus said, the most important things are loving God and loving others as you love yourself. I have learned a lot from my relationships. They have each played a role in shaping me. Right now I just want to focus on man and woman relationships, more specifically dating and such.

There are tons of terms out there having to do with a relationship between a man and a woman. Courting, Dating, a mixture of the two is Dorting (no joke), Casual Dating, ‘Hanging Out’, Hooking Up, Friends with Benefits, and there are probably some more I am leaving out. Because this following Jesus thing is a lifestyle, it’s gonna influence all areas of my life including my opposite sex relationships. If I am taking my relationship with Him seriously, then how I ‘date’ or ‘court’ or ‘whatever’ will be influenced by Him.

So what exactly does this mean following Christ and dating? How does my relationship with Him influence my relationship with her…or him if you are a girl? There are so many ideas floating around out there in the Christian sub culture about these issues. There are numerous books on How to Date like Jesus (exaggeration), and Courting is of God and Dating is of the Devil. I do believe that the Bible does have great advice when it comes to ‘dating’, but I don’t think there is a list of guidelines you have to follow. I do not plan on giving my future father-in-law 20 camels and some sheep in exchange for his daughters hand in marriage. I am not planning on pulling an Isaac and choosing a wife because she gave some water to my servant and my camels.

I think dating or whatever you want to call it means investing in a relationship. I don’t think God created relationships so we could take them casually. And I’m just gonna go ahead and say it, I don’t think God is a fan of hooking up or anything of that sort. I remember reading a few years ago what Jesus said about lust and it totally changed my life. He said that if you even have lust in your mind, you have already committed adultery in your heart. So the question isn’t how far is too far with a member of the opposite sex. Is 2^nd or 3^rd base the stopping point? The question is how can I follow Christ more in this relationship. I plan on talking more on lust in a different piece.

One thing that troubles me with relationships is when I see others who expect for a relationship to complete them. It’s just untrue. How can some faulty person complete another faulty person? Here’s another one: why do so many relationships end because one person just lost interest in the other one. Everyone is interesting; I think it has more to do with getting what we want out of someone else. I have a lot of more ideas and topics I want to write about regarding relationships, but I will save them for a later date.

Remembering

So I have been thinking about getting a tattoo. This is not a recent thought or something I am doing out on a whim. I have been kicking around this idea for well over a year now. They say that if you want a tattoo you should think about it for awhile before you get one. And if after awhile you still want it, then go ahead and get it because it’s not something you will regret. That’s just what ‘they’ say. Some of you may say, “Matt, I never knew you were the tattoo type.” To which I would reply, “There’s a tattoo type?” Or other, slightly more conservative folk like my grandmother, would say, “But tattoos are of the Devil.” I would probably ignore you if you said that though because sometimes I get tired of arguing. What thing do I want permanently inked onto my skin? Something simple. Just words, no pictures. I don’t want a flaming skull across my chest or anything. It wouldn’t match my life. I am thinking a Bible verse actually. Not a whole verse, but just the book, chapter and verse number. Isaiah 6:8. It’s kinda a reminder to me to be willing to do whatever God wants of me.

I think reminders are good to have. I know I especially need reminders because I have learned recently that I am very forgetful. (So if we cross paths sometime and I don’t remember your name, let me apologize. I’ll try to play it off like I remember, but I seriously am very forgetful.) I think reminders about God are important. I think we all need to be reminded who He is, and about His love, and who we are in Him. Why do we need reminders of these things? Because so often we forget.

I know there have been many times where I have forgotten whose I am. I have forgotten who I represent. I have forgotten who He is. It’s so easy just to get caught up in something; whether it’s a job, school, yourself, another person, the culture, and even playing religion. It is so easy just to lose focus. Notice I said playing religion. I imagine many TV evangelists face times where they forget about authenticity and take on the roles of performing a show. It’s easy to put on my Jesus outfit (not a literal outfit) on Sundays, but it’s hard to remember to put it on everyday. Though He is with us always, many times we forget that our lives should reflect this always.

And that’s the thing when you claim to follow Him, you bring Him with you everywhere you go. Whether you are doing what He says to do or not, He still there with you. We can’t change that He is there. We can change how others view Him based on how we represent Him. They can either be turned off or turned on. Everyone knows I believe in gray areas when it comes to faith, but these things are black and white. I’m either doing what the Bible says or I am just not that serious about following Him. Either I am fleeing from lust or I am an adulterer (remember when Jesus says that even our thoughts can make us adulterers. So it has means more than just pre-martial sex.).

I guess the main thought of all of this is that I want to remember more often that I belong to God. That He is not something I can just put on whenever I feel like it. And if I really am taking my relationship with Him seriously, then I will actually do what He says to do. It’s really a simple idea, but often times I know I let it slip my mind. Simply living as He wants me to live, everyday, no matter where I am or who I am with. Doing what He says when I am out with friends on a Friday night. Doing what He says when I find myself alone with my girlfriend (I have no girlfriend, but if I did this would apply.) Doing what He says when I think no one else is watching. Doing what He says when it seems no one else is. Doing what He says and not adding to that my own created list of religious practices (I don’t have to abstain from alcohol; I just don’t need to get drunk.) Well I think that sums it all up. Walk in love…