Lonely

I have learned a lot about life in my short existence. I have learned that God has a way of working things out; often in a way you least expect Him to. I have learned that investing time in others is one of the greatest joys there is. And I learned that there is nothing more inspiring to a man that the beauty of a particular woman. There’s something else I have learned about life, it’s that there’s a desperate craving inside all of our souls to connect. We need others. A British poet, John Donne, once wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself…” There are no truer words.
No one wants to be alone. Sure there are times where we like to be alone so we can rest, reflect, and create, but man was not designed to handle being alone for a substantial amount of time. When you are alone for a long time you tend to go crazy.
Loneliness is a crazy thing and it causes crazy actions. It can drive a woman into the arms of another man or vice versa. It can even cause someone to commit the ultimate tragedy upon themselves or someone around them.
There have been times in my life where I have dealt with loneliness. I think we have all had those moments. Those moments where we just need someone to be there. To listen. To stand by our side. To assure us that everything will turn out okay.
This is the part where I would normally say something cliché like, “If you have Jesus, you never be truly alone.” And that’s true and all but it can only be so comforting.
Loneliness is there for a reason. It’s there to let us know that we weren’t meant to face life alone. It’s there to remind us that there is something greater to life than ourselves. You see, if life was all about me then being alone really wouldn’t bother me. I would be completely comfortable with it. But life is not about me. It’s about connecting with others. It’s about making time for people and being a little less selfish. It’s about letting those around you know how much you mean to them. And it’s about taking risks for love’s sake, because love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And when there’s love, loneliness can never last that long.

Ice Cream Flavors

I like variety. That’s just the type of person I am. I can’t help it. I’m the type of person who gets bored very easy. And I’m very impatient as well. When something bores me, I usually get frustrated and move on. I also like the chocolate brownie ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s my favorite. But it’s not the only one I like. If you told me that the chocolate brownie kind was the only ice cream I could have for the rest of my life I would probably give up ice cream all together. I mean, my tongue has tons of different flavor taste buds-I don’t just have chocolate brownie taste buds. So I would just give all of the flavors up…or resort to violence and punch you in the trachea. Why just have one kind when there are tons more flavors out there? It’s insane.

Honestly, I’m kind of confused right now. My confusion pertains to the church I attend. It’s a Baptist church, even though I don’t identify myself as a Baptist. It’s kinda the church I grew up in. When I went away to college, I tried all types of churches. Churches of Christ, Non- denominational, charismatic, and even the occiasional trip to Box Springs Episcopal. And I learned a lot about God from each church. (Even the mattress one b/c God made sleep so therefore it must be good)

So yes, I am getting kind of antsy at church because I’ve been there so long. And to me, a church is supposed to be progressive. And because it’s not progressive and constantly evolving I am getting bored. I dislike singing the same songs over and over and the ministries and activities seem the same each year. Remember, I’m the kind of person who thrives of variety. Also, I don’t think I fit in. I think I’m the only person there who voted democrat in the last election and I’m afraid if they find this out they will shun me anyways (slight exaggeration). I know I’m probably one of the more liberal people there. I don’t think cuss words in and of themselves are sins. I don’t think drinking is either. I don’t believe in the war. And I don’t think that a great way to spend money is a new building. And I like rap music.

I’ve meant all this in a slightly light hearted yet slightly serious tone. And it’s not that my church is doing anything wrong; it’s just that I don’t know if it’s for me. And yes, I know that someone will say that church is about what you give to it and not what you get out of it. I kinda agree, but not fully though. I think it’s a mixture of both. But this has just been a reminder for me that God is very creative. Just look around. He’s created unique beings who He has designed to experience Him in many different ways. So I guess that’s the positive thing you can take for my scattered thoughts.

forts

I remember when I was a little kid I liked to build forts. What little boy doesn't enjoy a good fort? Forts were great. They were great when you wanted to hide from someone. Of course, it's easy to spot a blanket draped over some chairs. Forts are also good for protection. They keep the bad guys out. But you can only stay in the fort so long before you run out of juice boxes and fruit snacks. Sooner or later you have to come out.

I have known some adults who have built forts, metaphorical forts, around their lives. I have even done it a time or too. I guess it's a natural reaction to when people let you down. You build a fort so that it becomes more difficult for others to let you down. I understand that. And the more times you have been hurt or disappointed, the stronger the walls of your fort are.

Now, I know that we are supposed to guard our hearts. I get that. But I also know that we are not supposed to live a life fortified from the outside world. Sometimes we can get so caught up in not getting hurt that we cut ourselves off from all feelings and emotions. We won't let others into our lives, fearing that they won't like us if they find out who we really are. If we do let someone in, we fight them the whole way. The tragedy here is that we end up not living a life we were created for. We live a life of exile; one where our hearts are separated from what could be.

I love the quote "the Glory of God is man fully alive." We are not truly living if we live a fortified life. And if we are not truly living, then we are wasting the time we have been given. Sure when we let down our walls we become exposed to the possibility of pain, but we also will get to experience true joy and love that do overshadow the darkness of pain. And I would rather experience all of the emotions that life has to offer, rather than none at all. Besides, broken hearts are meant to be healed, not locked up in a prison.

My Area of Expertise

So for those of you who don’t know, I am studying counseling in grad school. In counseling, it seems best if you have an area of expertise. It could be working with a certain demographic (children) or specializing in treating a certain disease (Tricotelomania) or maybe just become a teacher or do counseling research. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to specialize in. I think I have narrowed it down to two different areas. One is PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can happen to people who experience traumatic situations like war, rape, or abuse. The other area is marriage and family. (I wonder if there’s anyone who has experienced PTSD because of their marriage.) I know you are thinking, “Matt, how can you work with families and marriages when you’re not even married yourself?” Ah, good question. To that I would say that a pediatrician doesn’t have to be a parent in order to treat children.

I think I do know some things about marriages and families though. One thing that really gets to me is when marriages fall apart. I hate to see that happen. But why does it happen? What’s the root of the problem? I mean, two individuals coming together as one is supposed to come easy, right? Not at all. You see, there’s one thing I know about humans, after all I am one. We are selfish people. It’s something that comes natural. I have never met a person that had to work to become selfish. It’s almost as if we were born that way. I admit that I am selfish. I do not want to be this way. It’s a constant struggle. But hey, good things are worth fighting for right?

One of the things that I have seen in marriages is that two selfish people come together and they still remain selfish. It’s all about what can I get from this other person without having to give anything in return. And honestly, any relationship (whether it’s marriage or friendship) where it’s only about selfish desires being met is destined to be destructive. Then there are those relationships where one person is selfish and the other is not. This one is not healthy either. You have one person trying to serve and the other person acting like a slave master. It’s basically abuse.

I think a healthy relationship is where two people try their best to serve each other. A good relationship is one where each person is constantly asking the other “How can I better love you”, “How can I better serve you.” And this amazing thing starts to happen when you invest your time in others…you begin to feel better about the relationship. When you spend your time serving others, life starts to make more sense. It’s almost as if there was some rule to life that if you love others more than yourself, things will work out for you. I think I have read that somewhere before.

matt spann

The Truth of the Matter...

For some reason the idea of truth has been on my mind today. I don’t know why. I think about such topics of love, and relationships, and giving, and service a lot….but I don’t tend to dwell on the idea of truth that much. I do like the concept of truth, though. It brings to mind something that is constant and strong. Truth seems to be something that won’t fade away when it feels like it or only call when it has nothing better to do. Something that is true is true no matter what. And there are BIG truths and little truths that we all think about. Little truths being that there is not right or wrong way to worship Jesus with music. He loves all music; from the folks sing A-capella to the hardcore bands screaming out His name. Another little truth is that I personally think it’s okay to have alcohol (in moderation ). I see the Bible and see things like “God created wine to gladden the hearts of men” (Psalms 104:15) and the whole bit about Jesus turning water unto wine. But hey that’s just my opinion and I don’t really care to debate the topic.

But then there are things that are BIG truths. Big truths being that Jesus is God and died for the sins of mankind. A big truth such as Jesus is the only way to eternal life with God. These things are undeniable, to me. And honestly, if someone doesn’t hold these big truths I believe they are wrong. There are also some big truths that I doubt sometime, but deep down I know they are right. I know that God had something special in mind when He created me, but sometimes I forget this and get too caught in the everyday routine of things. I know that God created every single person around me out of love and He wants me to love them as He does. But sometimes I forget this truth too and view people by what’s on the outside or what benefit they can give to me. Deep down I know that life is ultimately not about me, but many times I’m the only person on my mind. And I know I’m not alone in the way I feel here, or at least I hope I’m not.

And of course you can’t think about truth without thinking about lies. So many days I fall for so many lies in life. I don’t think we even realize how many lies are out there. “Buy this product and you will look like a model and girls (or guys) will want to sleep with you.” “The only way to be happy is to make more money.” “If you want to be successful you have to climb the corporate ladder.”

I want to seek out truth more often and let it guide my life. I want I inspire others with truth. I want to live truth out on a daily basis and not fall prey to some many of the lies that are out there. And I pray the same for you...

Why Am I Doing What I'm Doing?

I have no idea what I'm doing here. Here, being in this world. At times I feel lost, looking for some glimpse of my future, searching for what path I am supposed to take.

I already have a job, but truthfully it's not what I want to do. It's draining and stressful and many days I leave work wondering why God has me there. I'm in grad school for counseling, something I think that's what I want to do, but grad school is hard too- especially when working full time. And sometimes I doubt the whole grad school thing anyways. Do I really have what it takes to make it in this profession? Do I really have what it takes to help people for a career? I feel so inadequate sometimes.

Life is hard, that's a given. Sometimes I wish I could just move to the mountains or to a far off island, somewhere away from the pressure that surrounds me and the burdens that weigh me down. But I know I would probably find pressure and stress wherever I went.

The last few years have been sort of a haze for me. I just seem to be going through the motions ; eat-drink-sleep-work-use the bathroom- and repeat. Where is this abundant life that Jesus said He came to bring? Where are the times where I can kick back and say "Now this is the life." I do have good times, don't get me wrong. But they seem overshadowed by all of the other stuff. Where's the life that is full of passion, love, and soul? Is this it? Is there more that I am missing? It seems like doubt and pressure and stress and confusion are all that's out there.

But there has to be something more. I know that deep down, there's something more that rings true in my heart. A glimpse of truth that seems to fight against the things that weigh me down. I know I'm searching for a life, the life that I was meant to have, the life that God created me for.

I believe that God has created in advance a special work for each of us to do. A sweet spot for each of us to live in and out of. God created each of us to do something unique and amazing. He says He has created us with something special in mind.

Am I living out of the unique life that God created me for? The question is, why am I doing what I am doing? Why do I let stuff get in the way from doing what God created me to do?

He intentionally made each of us, so if we are intentionally made...we are supposed to have a unique purpose for being here. But the question is are we fulfilling that purpose?

I am still wrestling with these questions myself, and I doubt that I am alone. All I know is to pray and have faith that God will guide me to the purpose He has for me. And I pray the same for you.

Her Name Was Emily...

Her name was Emily…I think. Usually I am pretty good with names. And you would think I would remember the name of my first girlfriend. But hey, I was only 3 at the time. She had dark hair, I think. And she was short. But then again I was short as well. What I do remember is that we connected. We didn’t meet on the playground at daycare or in Sunday school class at church with the fannelgraphs of Noah and his Ark. Both of us were undergoing extensive stays in the Children’s Hospital. I can’t recall what disease or sickness Emily had. I do know that she was there awhile. I was in the hospital because of the heart disease known as tachycardia. (Is there a cooler name for a disease than tachycardia? I think not. It sounds like the name of some Eastern European techno group.)

Like I said earlier, because we were both young and in the hospital we connected. I guess when you go through difficult situations in life you are drawn to those who can share those situations with you. The first time I took Emily out, I rolled here around the hallways of the hospital in a red wagon. I tried to be a Southern gentleman. I also remember the fun we had while being entertained by the hospital puppet. We would always give the puppet pretend shots in the puppet arm. Injecting puppets with stuff makes for a great date when you are 3.

So where am I going with this? What’s my point besides the fact that I was an early dater? Well, it’s the idea that our lives revolve around relationships. I have no idea where Emily is or what she is doing, but I do know that we had shared a friendship while we spent a few months in the hospital. And that connectedness has stayed in my memory all of these years.

I have heard it said before that relationships can cause us to experience the greatest joys and the deepest heartaches that we will ever face in our life. I know that in my own life relationships have brought both a smile to my face and also tears to my eyes. Relationships have given me a sense of belonging. They have helped me discover who I am. Through relationships I have experienced both rejection and loss. Through relationships I have done things I told myself I would never do. Things I regret. But also through relationships I have also became a better human being. They have challenged me to grow emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Relationships have allowed me to love, to learn, to live.

And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that God is all about relationship.

Throughout the whole Bible, it’s God constantly trying to pursue a relationship with man. “Let me make this beautiful garden so you can enjoy it and come to know me.” And then man always has to screw it up somehow. “Hey, I wanna eat this fruit that you told me not to eat.” And it’s back and forth and back and forth. And then God does the ultimate thing and sends Jesus as His ultimate sign of affection for His beloved.

The thing that amazes me about me relationship with God is that even though I fail Him everyday, even though I run away from Him sometimes, even though sometimes I pretend I don’t hear Him when He asks something of me, the thing that amazes me is He still desires a relationship with me. He still calls me son.

What It's About

Seven years ago was the first time at the orphanage in Mexico. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my first time being out of the country. It was my first actual mission trip. It was truly an eye opening experience. One of those moments that when you are experiencing it, you begin to realize that you will never look at life the same way.

Culture shock is an understatement for what I experienced. I had been so used to the American way of life. The way of life where a person's worth is determined by the amount of things they have. The way of life where money is the bottom line. The way of life where spiritual riches are equal to the amount of good things you do.

For some reason I felt more closer to God when I was there. But how could this be? I mean, I didn't worship Him in some million dollar church building while there. I did not dress up in a suit and tie while there, either. Life seemed to be simpler and God's voice seemed to be less drowned out in Mexico. Here I was, not surrounded by all of these material things that we say we cannot live without in America, and I started to see more of Him. The closeness I experienced with God down there reached into the depths of my soul, the inner most part of what makes me, me; and grabbed me.

I think the reason God captured my heart so much when I was there is because while there I was only concerned about service. How to love others as I had always loved myself. During my time there I was giving more of myself to others than I ever had before.

Maybe that's what life is all about; loving God and loving others. Maybe all of this stuff isn't so important. Maybe watching out for #1 (me) isn't really the best way to live. Maybe life is truly about being a servant of God by serving others. It's a simple way of looking at things, but it's also a life changing way. When I am serving others I feel more closer to God. When I am thinking less about how I can get ahead and more of how I can love and help others I truly feel God's presence in my life. The important thing that I have tried to remember is that God wants me to have this attitude no matter where I am. He wants me to love and serve when I here in corporate money driven America and when I am in foreign lands.

Relationship Resolution

I'm not really that big on religion. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to follow Jesus and all. But as we all know it's not about religion, it's about relationship. Saying some prayer or getting sprinkled with any amount of water will not get you into the gates of heaven. A relationship with Him is the ticket.

The theme of relationship is one of the main points in the gospels. There's the whole instance where the guys ask Jesus what's the most important commandment. Jesus says Loving God and loving others. Basically, having a relationship with God and having relationships with others. That's the key to the Kingdom of God. Then there's that part where Jesus tells the folks how they should pray to God. He uses the word Father when talking to God, because that's how he wants us to relate to him. Also the situation when Jesus says anyone that's following Him is his brothers and sisters and mother.

Relationships are complicating. They have the ability to tear us down and lift us up. My New Years resolution is to invest more time in my relationship with God. (In reality, i don't make resolutions. I consider them to be more like things i want to improve upon.)

Relationships with others are quiet different from my relationship with God. I can invest all of the time in the world in a relationship with another person, but if they aren't putting forth any effort the relationship will be going no where. Let's say I'm trying to woo this young woman. Hypothetical of course. (and yes I said woo.) I can call her, and buy her flowers, and spend time with her, cook for her...but if she constantly pushes me away the relationship would be going nowhere. In relationships with others both people have to be invested.

It's different with God though. He's already invested his whole self into a relationship with us. The burden falls on us to make the relationship grow. I drop the ball alot on my relationship with God. I know that praying and reading the Bible are some ways that I can deepen my relationship with Him, but there are more. I think that the whole loving God and loving others are to loves that have to be linked. I can't just love God and not love others. My relationship with God will call me into loving others. My love for God will call me to love my enemy and my neighbor just the same. My love for God will call me to put my love into action when confronted with those affected by poverty, neglect, disease, and war. My love for God will not allow me to sit back and watch injustice go on. My love for God will afffect how I love others.