Why Do I Serve?

Preface: I wrote this on Easter Sunday.

It’s Easter again. The time where we come together and celebrate Your death and Resurrection. Your sacrifice. Our redemption.

It’s the time of year where we decorate eggs in Your name and buy new pastel colored clothing to remember the price You paid. Oh, and I can’t forget the giant candy-delivering bunny that spreads Your Good News.

For some reason this Easter I am not paying attention to the sermon being given by the preacher. Instead, for some reason I am questioning myself and my intentions. And I guess the biggest question I have right now is why do I worship You?

Why do I call You God?

Why do I claim to follow You?

Why do I say I love You?

Is it because of the blessings I hope to receive due to my devotion? Do I worship You because I think that will make me better off? You are God over all. You have the capacity to give me everything I have ever wanted. You can give me a promotion at work if it’s Your will. You can lead me to the girl of my dreams and a nice white picket fence. You can make my life easier. Is that why I am sitting in church today? Do I believe that if I give my life to You, that You will in turn give me my heart’s desires? Look, I know I don’t pray to You as often as I should. And You probably get tired of hearing from me only when I need something. Do I think of You just as some magic genie I can call on to grant my wishes?

Or do I claim to love You because You are simply a tradition? It’s true that You are something that I have grown up with. I have heard Your word so much that sometimes it doesn’t excite me like it used to. Have I built up a tolerance to Your piercing love over the years? Is my heart calloused to You? I am a creature of habit; I do what I’ve always done because that’s all I’ve ever known. Does this habitual worship apply to You? Is my love and service just a mundane ritual or is there love and desire in me?

Most of the people I am around claim You as Savior. These people I surround myself with are the ones I care about and value. Which leads me to the question, Do I worship You because the people around me do? Am I just following the crowd? What if one day everyone decided to turn away from You? Then, would I still follow the pack like a mindless zombie or would I still be devoted to You? I value others’ opinions of me; I am afraid of being an outcast. Do I do things for You so that I will be accepted? Am I looking for approval in the eyes of men rather than in Your eyes?

These are the questions I ask You because You are supposed to know me better than I know myself. Am I just in it for the selfish gain? Or do I put Your desires above my own? Would I still serve You if You took away everything? Do I follow You out of tradition, as if You are just a habit I have simply lost all meaning of? Or do Your words sound frsh ever time I hear them? Does passion still burn in my soul for You? Do I claim to follow You so that I will be loved by others? Am I seeking their approval over Yours? Or do I put You in a position high above everyone in my life?

Search me Jesus. Search my my heart, my soul, my life. Weed out the things that are not of You and for You. I pray that my life can become less about me and my ways, and more about You and Yours.